is this normal?

For the last 2 nights, I have been having vivid dreams about receiving calls about being matched from agencies and birthmoms. I am not sleeping very well. Maybe it is just my obsessive, impatient nature. I can only imagine what I will be like once I am home study ready! I am trying very hard not to drive my husband bananas with all of my constant research. 

We had a beautiful afternoon as a family. After dinner we went for a long walk on the beach, and I found the most beautiful seashell I have ever seen. It was as if it had been polished to shine. All I kept thinking was that I would save it for my baby for when he or she finally comes home. I guess that is silly, but for some reason it felt like that is what it is meant for. 

Yeah, I am a big old sap!:) 

J agreed it is indeed beautiful, and our favorite seashell ever. So there you go!

I am going to sleep now, and hopefully it will be restful and sweet.

Missing my kids

The toughest part about my job is sometimes being away from my kids on the weekends. I have an awesome mother, who is the kind of mom I strive to be (more on that in another post:)). Many weekends I take the kids to her house when Dale and I work. We moved about an hour and a half away from her last year, but I still commute a lot. 

This past weekend is the kind that I dislike pertaining to seeing my babies. I took them down there after school on Friday, and I have worked everyday since, but closer to our house. I don't like to make the kids make that commute more than once a week if possible (it is especially hard on J), so I let them stay at Grandma's. They don't mind. They miss her, and she misses them, plus they see all of their uncles, Godbrother, etc...but I can barely STAND it. I am usually okay the first day since I am out late the night before and I sleep a little later than J usually lets me, but after that I am a teary mess! Of course, we talk on the phone. I try really hard not to let on how sad I am when I tell them how much I miss them. 

I say all of this to say that I have a goal of being home much more. As it is, I have always considered myself a working stay at home mom. Before we moved here, the kids were almost asleep by the time I had to leave for work. The commute adds almost 3 hours a day to my commute (giving me an almost 7 hr work day), and robs me of precious time with my family, but I have a plan! I am looking forward to being home just about every day with my kids. 

I think this weekend has been especially hard, because it's the first time in a long time that I been away form them this long. Good news is that I am about to be on my way to see them before work tonight and they are coming home with me later. Summer is coming and that changes everything. I just want them home. 

Thoughts

I am really enjoying blogging, even though I can't imagine anyone caring about what I have to say. It really is a great way to work through feelings. I am a journaler by nature, and this is that but with the possibility of feedback. I love it. 

I am in tears right now watching an HGTV episode of Deserving Design. The couple adopted 3 siblings. The family is so sweet, and they had the kids rooms made-over. So awesome. It is such a great example of how adoption changes lives for the better, and something else for me to bawl over.:)

Anyhoo, anyone who bothers to read my blog, I truly appreciate it and if you give me feedback, that is even better. If it seems like I am rambling, I am.:) I am consumed with getting the adoption process started, but I can barely, if at all, put those feelings into words. So I always feel like I am off topic. 

I wonder how many ways and times I can express my heart's desire to adopt, without doing anything about it, before I sound ridiculous. I mean, I am in major research, fundraising, filling out application mode, but seriously folks not much is happening. I am not discouraged, but I feel like time is a-wastin'!!

I think I was prepared for an immediate rollercoaster ride (I know that's coming too), but right now I feel like I am in the line to get on the rollercoaster (in the really hot sun). Patience is not my strong suit, but I am working on that. 

Everything and everyone around me is life as usual, so I think that makes this a little tougher. I want to shout about it, but somehow that doesn't seem appropriate. I am trying to wait until we get closer to bringing our baby home.  I am sure I won't be able to help myself at that point.

Am I rambling? Yes. Knowing is half the battle, so I am out of here.;)

Lunch with my kids.

So I pick my kids from school today, and we go to lunch. Before we ate, we blessed the food. Once we finished, an older gentleman tapped my shoulder and with a smile, jokingly asked "were you actually praying in public?", to which I replied, " can you believe it?". He said "Do you know that you might get arrested for that?" So we  talked a little bit about what a shame it is that public prayer is somehow offensive to some people.

I told him we do what we need to do, and we pray. He said, "AMEN, I'll see you up there!".

He was adorable, and he put a smile on my face. 

Man, oh man, what a crazy world. 

On another note, I am watching the effect our adoption journey is taking on my husband. It is subtle and sweet. I feel for him, knowing how I have been feeling lately. As a teacher, he sees and hears about situations with kids more than I do. As tough as it is, he is sometimes visibly upset, and I think that it makes him more proactive. It has made him want to be an even better father. It is all good. 

In my quiet time

I rarely get down time, I have to carve out time for pretty much everything these days. Today has been interesting. My husband's car went berserk yesterday, so we put it in the shop. I chose to let him take the car instead of dropping him off at work, and somehow I managed to leave my cell phone (which is the number that rings all day, and has all of my contacts in it) in the car! I am paying attention Lord, I am taking a little time for me. So for the past couple of hours, it has been just me and my thoughts. 

I had a beautiful midday lunch with some amazing women yesterday. They are all extremely talented vocalists and brilliant, successful business women. They are all powerfully faith-filled women. We prayed more than once, we laughed, and cried, shared ideas, scriptures, stories, and plans. I am always honored and in awe of them. I was the youngest one there, and I am often overwhelmed by their daily Christian walk. I want to be like that. I want to be like that! I want to be like that!!

I pray to be pleasing in God's sight. I pray to be the example that He would have me be. I can't put into words all that I feel, so most of all I pray. 

I have been thinking about all of that today.

Of course, I have also been (pretty much always am) thinking about adoption. I have been feeling hopeful abut helpless about really starting the process. I know I will come up with the money to start, but really that is just based on faith. I know God will provide, as long as I am doing my part. It is a struggle sometimes to stay positive, but failure is not an option. 

The luncheon yesterday was just what I needed when I needed it. Not only was it uplifting spiritually and emotionally, but in terms of my future financial success. It was as if God was telling me again, in yet another way, that it everything taken care of. I am constantly renewed. 

It is interesting to note that my husband found out that it will cost $900 to fix his car today. The man I married less than 3 years ago would have flipped out, or at the very least gotten discouraged and despondent. But I watch him grow all the time, and today my man was calm as we both agreed that the blessing is that we actually have the money to pay for it (that is not often the case). I suppose I could be upset that the money could have covered much of the cost of our home study, but I know that God's timing is perfect, and it will come from somewhere else. I don't know where, but it always does.

So in my quiet time today, I am feeling peaceful. I am trying to be still, even if it is only for a little while longer.

Awesome idea!

I recently added this badge from Revolution Money Exchange. A good friend turned me on to it as a great way to raise funds for our adoption. I also really like the idea that I can contribute to her fundraising effort and my own at the same time. It's like Paypal, but without the fees. When I signed up, I received $25, and my friend, wife to the rockstar, earned $10 because I signed up under her. You can add a badge to your blog, spread the word, and do the same thing. There is nothing to lose, and it is easy. Click on the badge below or in my side bar to check it out!

Day by day

It is interesting how different I feel since I started this journey. I have been crazy busy with work and life lately, but adopting is never far from my mind. the knowledge I have gained so far, seems to permeate my life. I find myself thinking about all of the children in need of a family. Such a given in most lives, that it is often taken for granted. I am certainly not perfect, but I have always known how blessed I am to have all that I do. I am rich in the ways that count. I have never gone without, I have been loved and well taken care of my whole life. I was given wonderful examples...I could go on and on. 

My heart is having a difficult time with the plight of so many children. As I learn about these babies (unless they are adults, they are all babies to me) without families to hold them, and love them, my capacity to look outside of myself seems to grow. I am forever changed. I keep wondering "how can this be?" Intellectually I suppose I get it. Many different circumstances come into play, but "how can this be?"

Long before I had my children, I felt the desire to adopt. Then life kept on happening and my children came in the form of "unexpected" blessings:). Then I finally met and married the man God intended for me, and we discovered our infertility. When the subject of adoption came up I didn't discard or embrace it. I don't think I ever looked at it as a last resort, still I sometimes wonder what would have happened had we been blessed with a biological before now. Right now, I can say that even if I discovered I was pregnant at this moment, I am meant to adopt and nothing would change that desire. How is that for clarity? 

I am taking it day by day. God is working on me all the time.