Friday, June 20, 2008

Kind words

It never ceases to amaze me how a few kind words of encouragement can make such a difference. I think that is what keeps me blogging, as opposed to only journaling. The feedback, and sometimes just the possibility of feedback. I have always been an internet lurker (message forums, blogs) and I have gotten wonderful information, but I rarely if ever have joined in. As strange as it may seem, my innate shyness carries over even into what is basically anonymity.  

Last night, I was having a sort of mini crisis, and I posted a little about it, and not only did I feel better, but this morning I had some kind words to start my day. Sweet! 

Right now I am smack dab in the middle of a sea of adoption information, threatening to be overwhelmed yet again, but those kind words are sustaining me through that wave.:)
Thank you to the people who offered them. It counts more than you know.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Up in the middle of the night

I'm trying so hard not to get discouraged about adopting. As I sit here with an aching heart, all I can think about is money, money, MONEY!!! How can this be so much about money? I know I have to have faith, and I really do, but sometimes it is so hard. I mean, I am willing to do what it takes, but I can't tell you how many nights I have tossed and turned with these thoughts. I can only imagine how many more there will be. 
Maybe I can try to look at this as preparing for sleepless "newborn nights":), much in the same way pregnancy sleeplessness is said to do the same thing. Emotionally, I do feel pregnant again. I just pray that it doesn't last any longer than my last pregnancies. Hopefully ALOT less. 
Now that I got that off my chest, I will attempt sleep...again.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Bitttersweet day

As you can probably tell, baby boy J keeps me on my toes. There is always something! T seems to be along for the rollercoaster ride her brother provides.
Anyhoo, Saturday was a very emotional day for many reasons. One big reason was J "chipped" his tooth, (actually he knocked off a crown he got when he was 2 years old, but that is another story) Since we were at a pool party, I wasn't sure how much he was down playing any possible pain so that we wouldn't have to leave. As soon as it happened, I called my hubby, who put in a call to our pediatric dentist (who we LOVE!) The tooth was jagged and discolored, but J seemed okay. I was emotional because I was afraid that he would need emergency dental care and I was supposed to be leaving for work soon. Not happening! I was thinking of the drama involved in finding a subsitute singer to sing at someone's wedding vs. not being with my son during some kind of oral surgery!!!
Thankfully, we were able to wait until today, for what turned out to be an extraction of a baby tooth. J did great! I, however, was a mess. My sweet husband, who is always strong when I am not, made me laugh through my tears, and assured me that I was breathing when I felt I couldn't. The 10 minute procedure felt like an hour and my big boy never shed a tear or even realized when it was over. Whew!!!
Afterwards, J did feel some discomfort pretty quickly on the way home (Tylenol to the rescue!), but he bounced back in an hour and we failed miserably at getting him to take it easy for the remainder of the day. He even ate most of a hamburger this afternoon (J doesn't eat much-another post)
Unfortunately, I had to work tonight, and one would never know things weren't business as usual with J, so off I went to "pay some bills". I did talk to him and he is doing just fine.
For the record, my kids are very big for their agse. I, along with most people are amazed by this fact. Even the dentist commented on how amazed he was at his size vs. his age. He said J has the mouth/teeth of an 8 year old. I say all this to say, my baby is still my baby! I mean the 8lb. 1 oz. little bundle place in my arms just over 6 years ago! This morning all I could picture was J, in that dentist's chair. It was all I could do not to scoop him up and bolt out of there, and try to figure out another way to "fix it". 
My husband, bless his sweet soul, acts tough, but when he heard one of the other kids in the office make a noise (which turned out to be a playful squeal) he was up and almost running, thinking it was J yelling.:)
I am so proud of J. Watching him conquer his fears and issues is scary for me. I have been through some of it before with T, but believe it or not, she didn't have as much "stuff". Or maybe she was so quiet about it, we just handled it without as much production.:) Either way, I doubt it will ever get easier to get out of the way when it is called for. I sometimes feel like each triumph for them means another little step away from me. Time is flying by!
Motherhood can be so bittersweet sometimes.  

Friday, June 6, 2008

Feeling anxious

Nothing is happening on the adoption front and I am feeling anxious. Patience is not my strong point, but something I am working on. This anxiety can make having this downtime a little tough.

J has either overheard or figured out our plans to adopt. He has been asking for this for quite awhile. We were holding off on telling him because he is 6 years old and, as most kids are, relentless about things that he wants NOW!!! It especially drives his dad nuts. So far so good though. We have had some wonderful conversations about adoption and his thought processes concerning it. He is very communicative and inquisitive.

Before he knew, I felt like nobody else wants to talk about it as much as I do, so I was keeping a lot to myself. Although we have more age appropriate talks, it is very nice to have my little man to talk to about this.:) Is that silly? I am grateful to be able to talk to him in advance about it on his terms. I follow his lead, and it has been going really well. It does however make me even more ready than ever to bring my baby home.

I think that not blogging as much has allowed thoughts to build up too. Everyday I look forward to blogging, but the days have been so jam-packed, I rarely get to get to the computer. I guess I'll have to carve out some time to do this, and see if it helps ease my anxiousness the way it did when I first started this blog. (as if I have been doing this forever lol!) I actually feel better already. Now I can get back to my incessant adoption research. (exhale):)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

So excited!

Summer vacation has officially begun. I am so excited to be able to spend more time with my family. I am sure to be exhausted, but also sure to be happy. I also won't have to get up at the crack of dawn for at least 2 whole months.
Today is actually my day off!!I am at home with my babies, and it feels so good. I am tired but happy. I can tell a night off was in order, because my baby boy is practically attached at the hip. I can always tell when he is really missing me. It makes me so sad to know that he hasn't been getting his "mommy fix" in sufficient amounts. It is interesting how that need for me manifests itself. He becomes very demanding, but in a "poor little me" kind of way, that makes me feel so guilty when I sometimes get annoyed. Ultimately, he is so sweet and cute, I just wanna eat him UP!!! My baby girl, on the other hand, only cares that I am in the house. She gets disappointed on my way out of the door on the nights I have to work. I kiss her good-bye, and we have the same banter each time.
T: "You have to work tonight, mommy?"(a little whiny)
me: "Yes, baby, I do."
T: "Where are you working?"(still a little whiny)
me: "Well today is ___day, so..."
T: "Oh you are at _______"
and my heart hurts a little as we say our goodnights, and I love yous...EVERY time.
So, tonight I am home, and while some people think my "career" is very exciting, I have been looking forward to the same ol', same ol' at my house tonight and tomorrow (my days off). All I can say is WHOO HOO!!!!!

Another great idea!

So, someone I trust referred me to yet another way to raise funds for adoption. I didn't know this, but you can get paid to blog about things you are or may find you become interested in. If you are interested just click on the badge below. 

I am just getting started, but she says she made money doing this. I think this an awesome idea!