Monday, October 13, 2008

Rainy days and Mondays

I am not going to let the blues win. This too shall pass. The worst thing is today I can't quite put my finger on why I am so weepy. 

Yesterday, I could have all too easily made a list. Today is a little different. 

Now that I come to think of it, something did trigger this wallowing. 

My body is playing tricks on me!!!

I have fertility issues, so medically I can't get pregnant without medical intervention, BUT I serve an AWESOME God, so anything is possible. In my head I know I can't be pregnant, but in my heart...

I still long for a baby with eyes like my handsome husband. I long to give him the gift of seeing himself in a little person the way I do when I look at Tauri and Jaden. 

I n the midst of all that, I am longing for my baby out there waiting for us to find each other.

Today, I am sad that I don't have a way to fill any of the baby emptiness that I am keenly reminded of because my dagnab period is late!!!!! I miss the baby I don't even have yet!!!! I want them BOTH!!

I don't think the pain of infertility ever completely goes away, but I think I have been quite the trooper throughout this journey, and it just pisses me off when I give in to the blues.

I know with all my heart that God works everything out for good, and His will is PERFECT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

I am thankful for my sweet husband, my beautiful kids, my wonderful home, my new church home that I absolutely love, my family near and far, my friends old and new (the family I chose), thankful for the gifts, talents, and abundant blessings the Lord has bestowed and continues to bestow on me, right down to the fact that He woke me up this morning and gave me the ability, and faculties to write this pitiful, whiny post. I am blessed!! Thank You, Father!!!

There! I feel better already. 

Blogging is good for me. You all who read and post on my page are good for me. Thanks for caring. It really counts.



Salzwedel Family said...

Oh Lauren, how could you make that song get stuck in my head right before bedtime? The Carpenters will be playing in my mind all night!

Seriously though, I know how sucky it is to deal with infertility issues. Heck, we were told we would never have kids and you know how that ended.

I am praying your heart will be filled with peace overflowing while you wait for His plan to unfold - maybe it will include another bio child & an adopted child. Just remember to lean on Him during the wait.

Love ya girl!

Melissa said...

I hope your feeling better. It's hard waiting and not knowing, huh?

I tagged you, have fun with it :)

Anonymous said...

Big hugs sweetie. Call me when you hurting... I am here for you.