Figuring things out

I think I figured out at least some of the reasons that I am so out of sorts these days. Adoption is unlike anything I have ever experienced. 

I recently attempted IVF (didn't work), and that was very emotional. It still hurts...more than I like to admit. I wanted it to work so badly. Infertility in and of itself is deeply painful, obviously. I won't go into all of that here, anyone who deals with it knows. 

Still, adoption is so different. I certainly don't want to sound dumb or offend anyone. I am simply saying what I am feeling. I have been so emotional since making the decision to adopt, and am realizing part of that is that it's so much bigger than me. 

Learning about the process is overwhelming, and thinking about what it means, what it really means, to grow our family through adoption, really makes me hurt for all of the children that need a home. All of the circumstances that make that so. All of the pain, all of the love, all of the lives, all of the disappointments, all of the joy, and yes all of the money involved. 

Then I realize that we are just one family, only helping one or two, only one or two children helping us. It makes me feel so small and helpless, and scared that I can't handle all of the tough stuff. Then I think about my child or children coming home, and I know that whatever I have to do, this will be, and in the end I will be even more blessed than I already am. 

I am at the beginning of my journey, but I can see the ending already. My family will be complete, and God will still be smiling on us.