Adding to a beautiful life

Happy New Year!!! Lots of birthdays!!!

2010-01-09T23:28:00.008-05:00

Heyyyy! Happy New Year. Once again it has been sooooo long! I pray everyone is well and had wonderful holidays. Ours were great, but extremely busy. I don't recover from from the holidays until after Jaden's birthday in February. Everyone in my family other than me celebrates their birthday between December 29th and February 1st!!

So I am sending out belated blogworld birthday wishes to my hubby and daughter. Love you soooo much! Tauri, Mommy's most wonderful ringing in of the new year will always be when I gave birth to you. Ain't no party like a Tauri T party.:) I cannot believe I have 15 year old!

Now on to why I, without question, had to post today (as I write this, it has officially become the 10th of January). The reason I am blogging from my itouch, which I NEVER do because it is easily one of the most annoying things in life. The reason I am at work doing this to make sure it gets done (yes I am back at work. More on that later). All because my baby, my sweet little boy Taj turned 1 today!!!!! I am NOT ready!:( This is hard. I have tried to make each stage last, but the kid will NOT cooperate. I never once said "I can't wait until you...(choose anything)", but he started walking at 9 and a half months. He has ten teeth, including 2 molars!! Whyyyyyyy? He is awesome and I am cherishing every moment, but I need more time. He was just born!!!! I know I sound irrational, but there it is. We are still happily nursing, so at least there is that. I just wish I could slow the passage of time. Once again, I can only describe it as bittersweet.

Tajimus Maximus (big nickname:)), my love, my angel, my dream come true, Taj Jair, Happy 1st birthday. I love you more than I could ever express! Even as I am saddened by the lightning speed passage of time, I do love watching you grow and develop. You are a wonder and I am honored to be your mommy. I love you.

Okay, moving on. I am now back at work singing 4 nights a week. It is a tough transition, being away from home and my family, but financially it is an answered prayer. I have to say God is good all the time. Wonderful things are happening for my family. I will share more soon.

Oh yes, I got to meet Kai, the newest Rockstar family member. So sweet. Congratulations to all the Rockstars. Loved seeing you!:)

Well, I will touch base soon. I will be trying to catch up with whay is going on with everyone. I do miss it. I guess it is time to go sing now.

Much love and blessings!

Still around!

2009-09-21T16:05:00.014-04:00

I have not fallen off the face of the earth. It has been far too long. I am such a slacker!!

I have been technologically challenged aside from time challenged. I won't bore you with the details, but among other things, I only have access to these two pics for now. More to come.

Actually, the stars are in rare alignment (so to speak). I am currently blessed with a sleeping infant, my middle child is at his first flag football practice, I am not out running errands, there is nothing and no one that needs immediate attention, and I have a special motivation to post.

Most of you who may read my blog know me through Courtney, Wife to the Rockstar, but for those few of you who don't, please check this out. She and her amazing family are adopting another baby due in less than two weeks. This family is near and dear to my heart for many reasons. One reason is they started us on our adoption journey in a huge way, emotionally, physically and financially. I want to implore you to make a donation to this adoption. As most of you know, adoption is a tremendous 2 way blessing. I am sooooo excited for them and for the baby they will soon welcome into the family. Please give whatever you can. No amount is too small (or big :)). I know from personal experience, that every bit helps. So many of you blessed us by donating to a our adoption fund and I have a beautiful angel baby to show for it. In fact, don't even finish reading this post (come back later :))!!! GO, GO, GO make a donation, buy a shirt, just do it!!! Time is of the essence. Less than two weeks!!!:)

Now, where were we? Oh yes, a little update. Summer was madness. The kids seem to grow more than usual over the summers. They are huge. We did a lot of traveling. Weddings :), funerals :(, family reunions, and miscellaneous stuff.

I didn't work much, and while financially that makes things tough, as a mommy it was a huge blessing. Staying home with Taj has been unbelievably sweet.

Tauri started high school this year (that just kills me). I can't believe my baby is 14. Jaden started a new school this year too, so lots of changes. He is in the 2nd grade now. Taj is 8 months old!!!! Shocking! He has 4 teeth and 2 more almost in. He is crawling (he has the funniest little crawl--I will try to post a video soon) and cruising furniture and "talking". He has big time "mommy-itis" (which I love, though I probably shouldn't) and is Mr. Personality. This kid is awesome and beautiful (I am not biased:)). Seriously, I can't go anywhere without a dozen strangers stopping us to tell me so. I know, I know it is probably just the "baby thing", but he is truly special. See for yourself in the pics.:)

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted. I am even way out of the loop with all of you. I miss keeping up with all of your lives. I am barely keeping up with Taj. He recently discovered the stairs and outlets. Babyproofing must be stepped up. He loves to eat...anything I feed him. So different from Jaden, who is the pickiest eater on earth. Taj has a huge baby appetite. We are having so much fun. I know I always say it but time is racing by! Way too fast.

Speaking of fast, I turned 40 this month. I am now an elite member of what I understand is a power club! My family threw me a great party. I had blast, and am thrilled to say 40 feels great!

I hope everyone is doing wonderfully. I want to say thanks to those of you who found me on Facebook and checked on me. It is nice to be missed. As I get more into the swing of being a new mommy again and a bit more organized, hopefully my posts won't be so few and far between. Gotta go pick up Jaden. Blessings!

Quick thank you

2009-05-07T15:31:00.002-04:00

I just want to thank everyone for all the sweet comments and helpful fundraising ideas. Please keep 'em coming. Congratulations to everyone who has had success with their fundraising. It truly is yet another blessing from God to have others so generously help in bringing and keeping our angels home.

All is wonderful on this end. My sweet boy is asleep, but I am sure not for long, so I have to jet.

Blessings to you all,

Long time! plus request for fundraising ideas. Help, please!

2009-05-03T19:32:00.003-04:00

It has been far too long. This will have to be quick as usual. I got a gentle nudge from the wonderful Stephanie. She actually misses me.:) So sweet.

Life has just been moving along wonderfully. I am crazy busy and crazy in love. Taj is growing way to fast. He wil be 4 months old in about a week!!! Nursing is going great! I rarely have to supplement at all. Also, we had Taj dedicated at church last week! He was such a good boy, as always.

The older kids, T and J were in their very first talent show. T is on the dance team, and J did his Michael Jackson routine. He was a huge hit!!! T got straight A's once again, and is preparing to go to...HIGH SCHOOL. I am soooo not ready.

Easter Sunday was wonderful. It was the first time I didn't spend it with my immediate family, but we did spend it with more recently acquired "family" and it was a blast.

I really hope someone is reading this, because on another note, I am hoping to get any and all fundraising ideas. We are quickly approaching the finalization of Taj's adoption (praise God!!), but we are still in need of much of the funds due at that time. We are trying to raise as much of $5,000 as possible. If you have done a fundraiser, please tell me about it in detail. I want to know what you did, how you did it and how much you raised. If it is doable with an infant in tow, and anything else you would like to share. Thank you sooooo much in advance. We stepped out on faith, and I know God will provide, but I want to make sure we do our part.

I am slowly but surely trying to catch up with everyone. Some very exciting things are happening. God is awesome. I do miss the blog world, and look forward to getting back into the swing of things soon. Don't forget about me. Enjoy the pics!

xoxoxo

Little update

2009-03-19T20:35:00.004-04:00

I miss being able to catch up with all of you, and I hope you are well. Hubby left town this morning to go play a few gigs in Costa Rica (LUCKY DUCK). I miss him like crazy, but having one less person in the house, somehow freed up a few minutes for me to post. My catnapper, Taj, Is already awake, so I still have to make it quick.

Taj is pure joy. He and I spend our days alone, and I am in awe of the miracle that is Taj Jair. He is smiling, laughing, babbling, can roll over one way, etc, etc...He makes me laugh out loud every single day. The whole family is wonderful and each of them are doing great. We are finally over the many colds in the house. I somehow escaped the illnesses (praise God), I guess so I could take care of everyone else. Taj actually had pneumonia. He is fine now, but we are still giving him breathing treatments for now. I think the pneumonia was harder on me than him. He was in great spirits through the whole thing, except for when he got a shot in his little tushie, (I cried:(, I am a mommy sap)

Anyway, here are some pics of my beautiful boy, Taj (his hair is growing back) and my beautiful J with his new 'do (this is how he used to wear his hair for years before he begged me to cut it)

Blessings,

Hey!

2009-02-22T14:39:00.007-05:00

I have a few free moments. I actually put my little Taj in his seldom used crib. I guess we'll see how long he naps in there for the first time. I know many of you are laughing at me, but all my babies have had their very own bed which was hardly ever slept in.:)

Taj is wonderful. time is flying by. 6 weeks old as of yesterday!!! He weighed 10 lbs 6 and 1/2 pounds this past Monday. My milk supply is still about the same, maybe a little more. I do hope it gets better, but even if this if this is as good as it gets, it is so worth it. He is totally thriving, and our bond is unbelievable.

J is doing well. He is enamored of Taj, and shows only a few subconscious signs of how the change in our dynamics might be affecting him. T is sick, poor baby. It hit her hard as we were leaving church. Still I have to mention that she is breaking out of her shell in big ways. I think timing and age are a big part of it, but the pride she feels in how well she handles her new baby brother was just the push she needed. My hubby is just as wonderful father to 3 as he was to 2. He is stretched thin with work, but he is enjoying his first time as a father to a newborn immensely. It is very sweet.

On another note, even though we have a closed adoption, (at K's request), I get news about K from time to time through our lawyer. Those of you who have been praying for her will be glad to know she is well. She is working, and is very happy for my family. She is moving along with her life in positive ways. It does my heart good to know that. I don't know how long she will be in touch with our lawyer, but I like knowing she is okay.

This, once again, is the very condensed version of what is going on these days, but I tried to hit on some points of possible interest. I have to go, but I hope you all are well. I haven't been able to catch up with most of you. I find that I have to do everything I want and need to do in 15 minute increments, and this 15 are about up, and I am using the rest to post pics. I hope you enjoy them.

Blessings,

Lots going on

2009-02-09T22:10:00.008-05:00

Deep in thought
A little sleepy smile

Nice to meet you, Grandma!:)

Our very own rockstar!!
Happy birthday J!!!

Hats off to all new mothers who can do more than a rare drive-by posting on their blog. Courtney comes to mind.:) You go, girl!

Anyhoo, real quick, lots has been going on. My first born son, J celebrated his 7th birthday on Feb. 1st. Happy birthday, my sweet baby. Since that was Super Bowl Sunday, we had his party this past Saturday. It was a great time. Jaden was very happy. His grandparents on my hubby's side were in the area for a conference (they live in Jersey), so they made it to the party. We haven't seen them in a while, do that was nice. Not to mention, they finally got to meet Taj for the first time.:) Taj also got to meet my baby brother, sisters-in-law, cousins, other "grandmas" and his other Godmother that day.

Speaking of Taj, he is doing just great. He is a champion nurser, and is filling out quite nicely, thank you. My milk supply is better, but not abundant yet. I am supposed to pump after each feeding, but since it he eats so often, and I have 2 other children, a husband and a household to take care of, I am lucky if I get to pump once a day. He is definitely getting more breastmilk as the days go by. I can tell by his poop. It is more "breastmilky" every day. There is more I can and will be doing to get a better supply. I will be taking herbs, drinking more water and eating more oatmeal. All of that should help. I am pleased so far, but not thrilled with my progress. If I am away from him for an extended time (about once a week) I get really engorged, which is good. I am able to nurse him to satisfaction without the supplementer about once or twice a day. I am trying to keep in mind that it has only been a week and a half since my milk officially should have started coming in. I will keep you posted.

As we all know, time flies!!! Tomorrow, my little Taj will officially be a month old!!! I can't believe it. He has got male pattern baldness going on, but he is so cute he pulls it off with style!:) So in love are we, I can't get enough of him. He is such a good baby. He only really cries if he is hungry. Sooooooo sweet!

My mom and sister-in-law threw us a baby shower, and Taj made everyone fall in love. He is so easy. By the way, thanks to my family and friends for everything. I truly have angels surrounding me. I am trying really hard to finish up the many thank you notes I need to write!

I have the best mom. I will never be able to thank her for all she does. She is the kind of mom I want to be. If I had time, I would go on about the amazing support system I have in my life. For now, suffice it to say, I love you guys!!!!

My wonderful church family, provided dinner for us all last week. Praise God! The Praise and Worship Team had a night out together bowling and eating. It was a lot of fun. Our church went from 2 to 3 services this past Sunday. God is amazing. It was an exciting day. We were a little tired after being there for almost 6 hours, but we will get used to it. We really love our church, and are thrilled to see what God is doing there.

I hope you enjoy the pics. I had better get a little sleep before my little hungry man wakes up.:) Hope I haven't come across as a babbler. I just have so much to touch on. More to come.

Blessings,

No time to chat

2009-01-30T23:53:00.002-05:00

Hey blog fam,

No time to chat, no time to catch up with everyone's blogs. I miss you guys, and I just wanted to share some pics of angel baby, stirring next to me, doing wonderfully in every way (including lighting up our lives:)), and my other angel babies and hubby. He is changing so much so fast!!

I will try to write a real post and catch up with you all soon. Blessings.

Quick hello

2009-01-19T21:53:00.002-05:00

I am feeling out of touch. I should be sleeping right now, but I just wanted to write a quick post. It has been a rollercoaster weekend. Quick synopsis, I had to say "see you later" (never good-bye) to a family that has become my family, and that I love dearly. Wife to the Rockstar and her beautiful brood moved away this weekend. My little J had a good old fashioned head down on the table boo-hoo cry, which was just icing on the cake of sad.

On a happier note, my brother and and sis-in-law made the drive to meet Taj. His umbilical cord started bleeding while they were there, and though it all turned out fine, and he wasn't bothered at all, I had a mini mommy freak-out. My hubby handled it like a pro.:) My mommy went home.:( My younger brother, sister-in-law and kids had to cancel their plans to come, because 3 out of their 4 kids are sick. Poor babies have t coming out of both ends.(nice visual, huh?):(

Then on Sunday, a couple of wonderful ladies from church threw us a baby shower. It was great. Thank you Tamara and Lily.:) I know you both put in a lot of time and effort.

there were lots of friends and fun. It was co-ed, so we had an extra element of hilarity. We received many thoughtful and wonderful gifts. I really think Tamara has found her vocational calling. It is all in the details and there were many! I wouldn't have changed a thing. I will post a few pics when I have a little time to upload them.

On today, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I was unable to attend the parade to celebrate. I missed my sweet T (her step team was in the parade) and my wonderful husband (his marching band was in the parade) as they participated in the festivities.:( I did however spend a peaceful, snuggly day with my baby boys, J and Taj.:) We all met up for a nice lunch after the parade.

Oh yes, we had our 1st post-placement visit with one of my faveorite people, Stacia Hammond (owner/agency director of our amazing adoption agency, ASCS, Inc.). It is always a pleasure connecting with Stacia. I also finally checked the mail and received some of Taj's beautiful sonogram pictures (his birthmother wanted us to have them----so sweet of her!) from another of my favorite people, Leenetta Grizzard, Esq. (our adoption lawyer)--- can you tell I want to tell the world about these fabulous ladies?:)

So you see, I have been my usual emotional self this weekend, with lots of situations to trigger my feelings, happy and sad. Right now I am feeling great, if a little tired.

Well, this has been longer than I thought it would be. Taj is being very cooperative, angel baby that he is,:) but I'd better not push my luck. Good night all.

Adoptive breastfeeding

2009-01-16T23:29:00.002-05:00

Some of you have shown interest in adoptive breastfeeding. It is going wonderfully, and when things settle down, I will share more about it. I can't type long, but I want to give you a link to our doctor's blog post about Taj and me. It is really cool. We feel so special. I hope you enjoy it.

The money thing

2009-01-16T22:25:00.012-05:00

The toughest part of adoption is the money aspect. In the midst of all of the planning, excitement, and joy of deciding to take the journey and ultimately being blessed with new life in our hearts and families, many of us struggle with how we will pay for it.

Our journey has been, and continues to be a walk in faith. This entire process has exponentially strengthened my ability to "let go and let God". When we made the decision to adopt, when we got the call about Taj, and as we continue to seek ways to pay for our adoption, God has moved in mighty ways.

I am doing very well living in the moment, enjoying my new bundle of joy and the changing dynamics of my family. Still I know the "money issue" is there. So many of you have generously contributed to our adoption fund. There is no such thing as a "small" donation. I am forever grateful. One day soon I pray that I will be in a position to do for others, maybe some of you, what has been done for us.

Today, I received a $500 donation from someone who only knows of me through a mutual friend. Wow!! Once again, I was brought to tears. The kindness of strangers and the power of God, moves me beyond adequate words of thanks. I look at my little Taj, and T and J and I think of what they are learning from this experience. They will be better for it. We all already are. Thank you just doesn't do it. What can I say? Hugs and blessings to you all.

My superstar babies

2009-01-15T22:43:00.011-05:00

I sure you can imagine how busy I am, but I still hope to post every other day or so. Things are wonderful. I am so enjoying my 3 superstars. Watching my 1st 2 with Taj is sweet beyond measure and melts my heart. T has been really busy with mid-terms, but takes baby-holding breaks. J cannot get enough of Taj. He cried yesterday when he had to leave him to go to school:(.

Taj had his first dr. appoinment, and it went great. Our doctor, Dr Denise Punger, took pictures of us, and posted about our adoptive breastfeeding on her blog Permission to Mother. He is doing great. In fact, we are at it all of the time. He is on a breastfed baby feeding schedule, and we have both adjusted well.

Also, I have to tell you guys about our wonderful adoption professionals. I love these women. If you are led to adopt and are looking for the right people to work with, I highly recommend that you reach out to them first. On every level that I can think of, they are truly impressive. Stacia Hammond is the agency director/owner of ASCS, Inc. and the lawyer we are using is Leenetta Grizzard, Esq. (she is the lawyer who Stacia works with for adoptions as well). Again, I cannot say enough good things about them. I will tell you about our experience with them when I have a little more time.

I have lots to say, but Taj calls. I hope you enjoy the pics of my superstar babies. Check the smile on big brother J.:)

A wonderful day

2009-01-13T21:13:00.006-05:00

I had a wonderful day. Taj is an angel baby. My dear sweet friend Courtney came over to visit. She is the first person that made me realize we could actually make this adoption happen. It was so sweet to see her with him. She also takes really beautiful photographs, and did a little photo shoot as a gift to us. The pictures are beautiful. Here is one of my favorites. If you don't know, I am referring to Wife to the Rockstar. I love you, sweetie. I am going to miss you soooo much.

FYI, her youngest was with her today, and he is a joy, and absolutely gorgeous. He is so much the little man!! His pics are beautiful, but nothing but face to face can do him justice. My mom and I are in love!!!

This is short, but Taj is up and antsy. I am loving every minute!:)

We are home!!!

2009-01-12T23:42:00.004-05:00

Hey fam! Just a brief update. We are home!! Birthmom signed TPR yesterday afternoon and he was released this evening. We had a joyously sweet meeting and reunion with T and J a couple of hours ago. They got to stay up a little late to love on their new baby brother. Taj met Grandma (maternal) too. My heart feels whole again! I took some pics that I hope to upload tomorrow.

On another note, Taj and I attempted to breastfeed tonight for the very first time. I am using a Lactaid supplementer until I finish the protocol in a little over a week, so I had to learn that. I am thrilled and proud to say it was a huge success!!! I just knew he would be a natural. I will keep you updated. He has a good latch and I know once my milk comes in, it will be even better. He seemed to hate the artificial nipples we used in the hospital. He always made a disgusted face, but there was none of that at the breast. I am so happy and excited.

I have lots to say, but I am beat. I'd better get a little sleep before he is up again.

It is so good to be home.:) Blessings.

He is here!!!

2009-01-10T18:28:00.006-05:00

You are my blog family, so without further ado.....Introducing Taj Jair (a Biblical name meaning "my light" [pronounced Jye-eere]) Posey!! Weighing in at 7 lbs 6 ozs., he entered the world at 3:40pm

Praise God!! Our baby boy made his amazing entrance into the world, and I am once again in awe of what God can do. I have to say, the feeling is NO different. We are in love!!! He is just perfect!

His birthmother is a marvel!! She asked for me to be in the room (if I was comfortable with it). I never imagined I would have that opportunity. I only wanted what she wanted. She was a champ!! 4 pushes. I watched him be born. I cut the cord. I was with him from the moment he entered the world. I am overwhelmed. I made sure that K could see everything that was going on as they cleaned him up etc...she loves him. She never shed a tear in my presence. She s sure of her decision thus far. After he was all bathed and wrapped, I carried him to her and placed him on her arms. We left the room so that they could have some time. She will always be in my prayers.

The nurse came to get us on the way to the nursery, so we could feed him. K insisted that Dale and I were given the only 2 wristbands that give access to the baby. I asked if she was sure, she said "absolutely". Wow!! Nothing could have possibly prepared me for all the emotion involved in this experience.

As we fed him and held him and looked at him, it occurred to me that I would have to leave him in the hospital sometimes! Waterworks!!!! It helps to think of it as them taking him to the nursery for a while here and there as it happened with my other 2. I am hanging in there. I will be going back in about an hour.:)

Throughout all of this, I have been calling and texting as many of the people I promised the news of his birth. Family and friends are estactic. Many of you have been waiting and praying along with us. I have to thank Wife to the Rockstar for once again going the extra mile by posting our news of imminent birth and opening her home to my little J to keep him happy in my absence today. All of the comments and prayers and excitement mean the world. Thank you, God bless! We have to go feed our new son!:)

Still no news

2009-01-09T22:50:00.006-05:00

There is no news on the baby today. I still need to post, for my own sake. Thank you for all of the loving comments and prayers during this wait.

I think a good cry will do me good. All is well but I am so emotional. I feel as though my heart is split into 3 parts waiting to be whole again. I am away with my amazing husband at his conference, my 2 children are at home with my wonderful mother, and my soon-to be son is overdue. I am feeling a little heartsick. I miss my kids sooooo much. Hearing how much my baby boy misses me tonight kind of sent me over the edge. I haven't had a full out cry, but I haven't really stopped crying since the phone call. If labor hasn't started by tomorrow, we will head home. I can't wait to hold T and J in my arms, but I will be leaving without our new son. I know everything will be as it should be and in God's time, but the day the 3 parts of my heart are 1 again is something I look forward to.

On a happier note, we got to go to dinner with good friends of ours that we haven't seen in ages. The have a beautiful 3 month old daughter we finally got to meet. It was nice, but too short.

Also, in the midst of all of the preparation for our new addition, it was a little to easy to put the idea of how we are going to pay for all of this on the back burner. Funny, huh? Once again, I would like to thank every single one of you who donated to our adoption fund. Biiiiiiiiig blog hugs go out to you all!!:)

That brings me to another point. Today I was reminded of the humility that this adoption journey has taught me. If it weren't for the fabulous Wife to the Rockstar,my pride would have never let me put a donation button up on this blog. When I am able, I happily, gladly give to others, but asking for and accepting help is a tough one for me. I could give lots of reasons, but ultimately it all comes back to pride. God is still working on me.

One of my dearest friends made a very generous donation to our adoption fund today. When I received notification, I got teary, 1) because it was from her, 2) because it was very generous, and 3) because boy do we NEED it!:) Then I felt weird. Now this is a woman, I would give my last to, give the shirt off of my back, open my home to, but there I was feeling funny about her doing the very thing I would do for her if the tables were turned. She knows it and I know it. I say all that to say, I shook off that funny feeling. I said a prayer of thanks. Thanks for her in my life, for the donation, and for the humility that God is surely trying to instill in me. Then I thanked her, and of course as fabulous as she is, she only wished she could do more, and told me how happy she is for us. I love you, girl!!!

This journey is profound. I am learning more about myself and life and God along the way. Every tear, smile and prayer will forever be etched in my soul.

Not yet, but I am better

2009-01-08T19:45:00.002-05:00

Prayer and your encouraging, soothing words have certainly helped me. I am feeling calmer. I did speak to the lawyer and all is well. Our potential birthmom, K, is fine and waiting. No plans have changed. She is 3 cm dilated as of yesterday, which most of us know means very little in predicting when baby boy will make his grand entrance.

I was able to send a message to K that I/we are thinking of and praying for her, and send belated happy birthday wishes. She is mostly concerned that the baby is going to be very big. I think she may be right. As of the day we met her, a little over 2 weeks ago, he was estimated to be a little over 6 and 1/2 lbs., so if he very well could be over 8 lbs. by now. She is only 5'2.:) You never know though.

Anyway, thank you everyone for checking in with me. It means a lot. I did manage to get to sleep shortly after I posted last night. Then I received 2 phone calls after midnight that I thought must be THE call! Each call was a different close friend checking to see if the baby had come. That set my heart to racing both times. I didn't take the calls since I had just gotten to sleep. (I talked them both today and they understood:)) The point is, I did ultimately get some sleep.

Hopefully sleep will come even easier tonight.

Fears

2009-01-07T22:25:00.003-05:00

Today is the due date... no baby, no word. I know if I can be honest anywhere about my fears, real or imagined, it is here. I know I am probably being irrational, but as this day comes to an end, I am a bit on edge.

I have no reason to believe I wouldn't be contacted if there were any news. Even if it is news I don't want to hear. Babies are late, way later than one day, all of the time. So somebody talk me down off of this ledge I find myself on. I don't even want to go to sleep tonight. I know no matter what happens it is in God's plan, and He is in control. I just need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. My sweet husband is so excited and trying to appear cool, that I hesitate to even bring up my fears, knowing his response will lovingly be that I am overreacting.:)

Today is our potential birthmother's birthday too. I tried to pray her a happy birthday wish. I wonder how she is, how she is feeling. I know I could never truly understand, but I am praying for her.

I am amazed at how much love I feel for this little boy. I am all in. It scares me a little, because he is not officially mine, but I am feeling (emotionally) the same way I did when I was pregnant with my first two, and awaiting their births. Imagining what their little faces would look like, and longing to hold them in my arms. Preparing, heart, body and soul to welcome them into this world. Excited about introducing them to family and friends. Just loving them to bits!!!

I talk to him like I did to them. Not in utero, but in my heart and through prayer and thoughts and words on paper. I told him we are waiting. I promised to love him unconditionally and protect and care for him to the absolute best of my ability. I told him how anxiously his Daddy, brother and sister, and all of our family and friends (who are family) are awaiting his arrival. I prayed for him just like I pray for my first two. I continue to pray. I pray for God's will for this adoption, and peace as it all unfolds and after.

I am hanging in there with my phone by the bed. I will try to sleep tonight, but I wasn't able to sleep much at all right before the birth of my first two, so why should this be any different?

If you read this, thank you for caring. If you leave a comment, feel free to call me nuts!!:) Blessings.

Still waiting

2009-01-04T22:09:00.002-05:00

So many of you have been very sweet, checking in on us about whether we have any news. Well, there is still none.

We had our final piece of our homestudy completed a few hours ago, and I would like to think that our soon-to-be son is so brilliant and intuitive that he has just been waiting for everything to be in place before "choosing" to make his fabulous entrance into the world.:)

Seriously, we all know God's timing is perfect, so we wait...eagerly, prayerfully and excitedly, we wait. Thank you for being on this journey with us, and caring so much. I can feel your excitement too!!

Hopefully my next post will be the ONE!!!

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl!!

2009-01-02T10:50:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year all! I rang in this new year as I have every other for the last 14 years. I have the pleasure of being powerfully reminded of how blessed I am because fabulous firstborn, T, celebrates her birthday on Jan. 1!! In usual fashion we had a blast at her party. It was a wonderfully, blessed day.

I was able to take my mind off of waiting for THE call, as we celebrated with family and a few friends. Lots of food and fun. Each birthday is a little bittersweet as I am faced with the idea of my baby not really being a baby anymore. I so proud of the young lady she is, but it also breaks my heart a little.

In any event, 2009 holds great promise, just as each and every day does. May your blessings overflow this year!

Happy birthday, my sweet, baby girl!!!!

2008-12-29T09:06:00.002-05:00

I haven't been posting because I don't have much to say or report. We are eagerly waiting for "the call". I am fairly calm, but I am not sleeping well. I am exhausted and excited.

The baby is due in 9 days! He may go to term. Still it is hard to think that way, since my 1st 2 came 2 weeks and 1 week early respectively.

We have an infant seat (thanks to my brother and sister-in-law:)), and the basics, so in effect we are ready. I have not heard a word from the agency or the lawyer, so I assume all is well and we are just waiting for nature to take it's course.

On another note, today is my wonderful husband's birthday!!!! That man makes me immeasurably happy. I just want to wish him the best birthday yet, and tell him I love him more every day. Happy birthday, my love!!!!!!!!!!

An amazing day!!!

2008-12-23T21:55:00.003-05:00

I am thrilled and exhausted!!! Thank you for all of the prayers for this day and our whole journey to date.

We met our birthmother today and it was wonderful!! She is smart, and pretty, and funny, and upfront. We spent an hour and a half with her. She invited me in for her appointment and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat.

We took some pictures together. It was a little hard to say goodbye. She wants a completely closed adoption, so this may be the only time we ever get. I didn't know I would care.

She says she is completely at peace and sure about her decision to place and to place with us. She got to see that our profile was a real representation of who we are.

If she does place with us, she will forever be in my heart. I will always pray for her.

We are almost finished with our homestudy. Good thing, since he is due in 15 days. This is not her first child and she says all of her children have come exactly on the due date. She is ready now though. Wouldn't that be crazy if that happened again for her??? Not to mention, he is due on her birthday. Bittersweet, don't you think?

We talked about a lot of things. I wanted to know her interests and hobbies. She was very open. Of course, things were a little weird, but considering the circumstances, I could not have asked for a better meeting. God is good.

It was a long exhausting day, and Dale is already passed out. I am next, but I couldn't go to sleep without telling my blog fam what happened today. We only got home about 20 minutes ago, because we raced home to rehearse with the worship team for Christmas Eve services.

In case I don't get to my computer tomorrow, have a blessed, wonderful Christmas!!!

Tuesday seems very far away

2008-12-19T23:39:00.002-05:00

Well, we are nesting...somewhat. If it weren't for other obligations, all I would be doing is nesting.

I have to say once again, how grateful I am to everyone who has reached out to us. That includes words of encouragement, prayers, donations, and support. I count it all love. I know it is all God.

I spoke the lawyer who is responsible for this adoption situation and got a lot more information. She speaks very highly of the birthmother. She described her as a smart, beautiful, easy to like woman, who has had a hard life.

Everyone please pray for her, as she prepares to give birth. It is highly unlikely that she will decide to parent, given circumstances I know about, but understandably won't share here. Still, for her sake and for the sake of this baby boy, I ask that you pray for her life circumstances to improve, and her health and happiness now and in the future. Of course, I ask that you pray for the safe, healthy delivery of the baby.

In the meantime, we are eagerly anticipating our meeting on Tuesday and the baby's imminent arrival. According the lawyer and our agency director, the birthmother wants out of the hospital asap after giving birth. Evidently TPR can be signed and effective as early as the birthmother is discharged. At least that is what the lawyer said. If things go that way, we would take custody of the baby sooner. The lawyer and I have our own opinions about her leaving without seeing or spending time with him, but it is not our call.:( I just don't want him to be alone.

I almost feel pregnant. My very close friend keeps teasing me, saying that I am. I am an emotional wreck. I think I have cried multiple times a day, every day this week. Between being matched, getting prepared, and receiving all that I have from you all, I am raw with emotion.

Not to mention, I have been exhausted every day from the mid-afternoon until I finally fall asleep at night. I say that to say, that I could certainly go on, but I am down for the count. I just wanted to touch base with my wonderful blog family.:) Good night and God bless.

More info as promised.

2008-12-17T16:47:00.002-05:00

Last night I barely had time to post about our amazing news. Here is a little more info.

Our birthmother wants to meet us! Evidently she loved our profile. She has invited us to any of her next doctor appointments. Considering the fact that she is due in just 3 weeks we are planning to go to her appointment scheduled for this coming Tuesday. She is only about 2 and a half hours away!!! That is a huge plus. I am very nervous and have no idea how the meeting will go or what to expect. Of course we will be ourselves, but any insight, suggestions, or advice is welcome.

On a side note, I just this minute told my 13 year old, T, about being chosen and my laid back, unemotional baby girl actually cried a few tears of joy. So sweet and unexpected.:) We haven't told our 6 year old, J, yet. I got a great idea, from a wonderful friend, how to tell him. I am going to buy him a big brother book and shirt and give it to him as an early Christmas present. I can't wait to see his reaction.

Our home study visit is Monday. We are preparing as if he could come any day, since of course he could!!! This next week promises to be a whirlwind of preparations. I will keep you all updated.

I am sure I am leaving something out. It is still sinking in that I could be a new mommy again in weeks. WOW!! Please keep praying.

Thank you doesn't even come close!!!

2008-12-17T16:23:00.004-05:00

I have no doubt about what God can do, yet it is still amazing to watch Him work!!!

My heart is laid wide open. This morning as I began to check my email, I noticed an influx of donations to our adoption fund. Immediately I knew God was moving and that I had to check up on Wife to the Rockstar's blog. Just as I thought, she had posted about us.

I am a strong believer in the inherent goodness of people, but I cried...sobbed as the outpouring of support(emotional and financial), encouragement, blessings and love poured out over me and my family. I have had some truly amazing experiences in my life, and this adoption journey ranks up there among the best of them.

I want to thank each of you for reaching out and making dreams come true. Every bit counts big time. You will never know how you have not only helped us financially and emotionally, but touched me to my very core. I can't seem to stop tearing up. If I could give every one of you a gigantic hug, I absolutely would. If I have not thanked you via email, please forgive me. I think I connected to everyone except 1 (the email keeps being returned).

Courtney, I know you give all the glory to God, but I have to say you are truly one of His greatest gifts to me, with a heart beyond measure!

I am truly blessed by my family, and close friends who are nothing but prayerful, supportive and thrilled for us. They all know who they are and how very much I love them.

Again, though words don't cover it, THANK YOU!! God bless you. God is so good!!!

SHE CHOSE US!!!!!

2008-12-16T18:43:00.002-05:00

Praise God!! We got the call less than an hour ago. I have been on the phone since then telling family and a few friends, trying to digest it all. My husband did a cartwheel!!!:)

We were just spending our last 15 minutes before we had to leave for work when we got the call. How am I supposed to focus on singing tonight?! I can barely focus on writing this post.

We are obviously thrilled. I happen to have a praying family, and I know God is in control, so I know everything is going to work out just as it should. Still, I ask that you, my blogworld family, please continue to PRAY!

I will tell you more soon. Gotta go to work and make that money!!!:)

Much calmer

2008-12-15T19:43:00.002-05:00

Today is the day my profile was supposed to be presented. I didn't really expect to hear anything one way or the other, and I didn't. Surprisingly, I feel fine about that. It was harder waiting for Monday to arrive.

I also got the sweetest gift from a dear friend. A baby sling and some onesies! They are adorable, and so is my friend. Thank you, C!!!

We also finally decorated our Christmas tree. I think it came out great. We had fun doing it.

I am feeling peaceful, hopeful and content tonight. That is God at work. I am eagerly awaiting good news, and I believe I am prepared for disappointing news. I pray this feeling lasts.

Trying not to obsess

2008-12-12T08:40:00.002-05:00

I think I am doing okay. I got a little more info on the situation we will be presented for. I rushed around and got our adoption profile printed and bound (it came out great, if I do say so myself!:)) and yesterday I overnighted it to the agency director. I am spending way too much time on the internet again. Our profile will be shown on Monday. That feels like an eternity away!

Our homestudy visit is tentatively scheduled for next Friday or Saturday. I am a notch below freak-out mode. As usual, Dale is completely calm. He freaks out over little things and I do over the big stuff. It was the same way when we were trying to buy this house. It makes me crazy, but I suppose that balance is a big part of what makes us work, what makes us a great team. Sao I want to shake him and kiss him at the same time!!!:)

I have been running around trying to finish up all of the necessary paperwork for the homestudy, and staying on top of him to finish up the things I can't do for him. The light at the end of the tunnel (besides a new angel baby:)) is that no matter what happens on Monday, our part of the homestudy should be done after next weekend! YAY! Too stressful. I just want to focus on bringing my baby home.

Those of you who shared your faith stories and left encouraging comments, thank you SO much. EVERY positive word and thought helps. I would love more of what you got!!!

Well, I am off to more running around. ;) Blessings.

We are going for it!!!

2008-12-09T13:28:00.004-05:00

I am walking around in a daze. We very well could have our baby home in about a month. We decided to go for it. I have so much to do, but my mind hasn't processed everything yet.We have to hurry up our homestudy process, and get everything ready for a bundle of joy!!! Part of me is hesitant to behave as though this is really going to happen, but I know God is faithful. Of course now I want THIS baby, but no matter what happens the baby God intends for our family will be coming home soon.

I am in a strange place. I am a little scared, and a lot excited. I am trying to guard my heart enough that I won't be so devastated if this is not the baby meant for us, but at the same time I want to allow my self to be as in love with this little guy as I was when my other two babies were born.

My husband is excited, and that just melts me. I wish I could tell the kids, but I know my youngest would be heartbroken if he knew about the baby and then we couldn't bring him home for some reason. Though she might never admit it, so would my oldest. Please continue to keep us in prayer.

My home study should be completed by the 1st week in January. That is cutting it close, so please pray that our baby will not be born early because that might mean he would need interim care. I know it would not be the worst thing, but we pray that he will come to us from his birthmother's arms to ours.

Lots of BIG news!!!

2008-12-08T16:49:00.005-05:00

In typical fashion, I have been missing in action for weeks and return having way too much information to share. I will just touch on the basics in this post.

Thanksgiving was wonderful! I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. This is our first house, and I made my first turkey!!! It was a hit. We had over 50 people come. It was a true blessing. Of course my entire immediate family was there. Plus all of my 7 aunts, all but 3 1st cousins, their families etc... It was amazing. God is good!

Then on Friday the cold I had been fighting since the day before Thanksgiving scored a knock-out. I was down for the count. I got some antibiotics and finally felt human again by Wed. night.

On this past Saturday, my new band had it's very first job. It was a huge star-studded event. In spite of numerous glitches in our 12 hour day for an hour and a half performance, we were a hit!! We pray that this is only the beginning. 3 of those 12 hour days a month would afford us the luxury of having to do nothing else for a living but maintain the band. I am all for that!!!:)

Then yesterday, my fabulously talented husband conducted his very first symphony concert! He was amazing! I also sang a song with said symphony, which was a first for me. Mind you, we got home from our Saturday night gig at 4:30am. Up again at 9am. The concert was at 3pm. Big fun. LOL. Seriously though it was exciting. My husband still manages to impress me. Wow!

Finally, today I got a call from the adoption agency asking if we would be interested in a situation. The baby is due January 8th!!! The fees would be a little higher than we had originally discussed because it is an outside situation. She is double-checking but we would need to come up with $6,000-7,000 not necessarily by placement. I thought my husband would shoot it down outright, but he got excited. He said as of now he thinks the answer will be yes, but he wants to pray about it first. That is exactly what I want him to do. That is exactly what I have been doing all day.

I would love to hear or even re-hear your stories of stepping out on faith. If this situation works out, that is exactly what we would being doing, since I think most of you know we don't have $6,000.

Of note, is that I have prayed to have our baby home before Jaden turns 7 years old. His 7th birthday is in early Feb. I also thought for sure that my sweet hubby would not even consider the idea, because of money and how soon the baby is due. Interesting reaction on his part. :). Please pray that we make sound, divinely led decisions for our family. If this is the baby for us I know in my heart God will make that clear.

Even so, I am blessed

2008-11-19T23:38:00.002-05:00

Today I had a blue funk kind of day. A crybaby, get on my own nerves kind of day. An I will not share all of the gory details with anyone kind of day. A keep reminding myself how blessed I am kind of day.

Lots of reasons and no reasons at all. It is funny how if you string enough very small crappy things together, it colors everything in your world. I did a lot of praying today. I apologized for my whiny, bratty attitude a few times today. I wish I could have stayed in the house today.

Even so, I am blessed. In about 15 minutes it will be a new day. I will put this day to bed with a sigh of relief. Good night Wednesday.

Ohhhhhhh boy!:)

2008-11-14T08:59:00.004-05:00

I talked to the adoption agency owner and plan to do my home study visit in a few weeks (first part of Dec.)! (I am praying that God will make a way financially by then) Oh my #1. She sent me the novel we have to fill out! Oh my #2. I want to put off filling out forms and dive in all at once. Talk about daunting. I read over all the information needed, and my mind hasn't stopped racing since. Somebody talk me down!!!!:) Half of the questions require answers I have never given any thought to, and most people who know me (myself included) consider me a little overly analytical (i.e I think too much). I suppose it is a good thing to do some more self analysis in this process. So this weekend I am going to immerse myself in adoption paperwork and at some point try to coax my husband into doing the tiny part that I cannot do for him (pray for me:)). Now I just have to decide who I am going to ask to write reference letters for us. Hoo-boy! Scary and exciting!!!!!!:)

On another note, our new doggie (Stella) has adjusted wonderfully to our family. We are so pleased, she fits in just right. Our other doggie (Sadie) loves her and they play great together and tucker each other out enough so that there are long stretches of calm and two happy, tired doggies in our house. Sadie is lonely no more, and the kids and hubby are just tickled pink to have both of them. I was concerned that two dogs would mean double the work for me, since I am home with them all day, and more than anyone else. Surprisingly, getting Stella has cut my "work" in half. Sadie seems less hyper since we brought Stella home, almost like the older sister setting the example:), and HUGE bonus...Stella is housebroken!!!! She had one pee-pee accident the first night, and my husband is sure she tried to let him know she had to go out before she did it. I hope I didn't jinx myself by putting that out there.

So things are good and nuts in the Posey household. Love it!

I must be nuts

2008-11-09T20:28:00.005-05:00

We have a sweet doggie named Sadie. We think Sadie is a little lonely. Our family is constantly on the run. While I love animals, I don't necessarily feel that life is incomplete without one in the home. My husband disagrees. I truly love my husband. I truly love our sweet Sadie, so....lately we have been talking about getting a playmate for her.

Today we did! I must be nuts!:)

We adopted Stella from the shelter, and so far she seems to be just right for our family. So sweet, and even a little calmer than Sadie (at least so far:). 16 months old, and beautiful. My hubby loves her, the kids love her, and yeah...I love her too.:) We are happy.

Welcome to the family Stella!!!!

(Sadie is the brown one in front)

Catching up

2008-11-08T11:36:00.005-05:00

I had every intention of writing a post to update what has been going on in my life. I decided to catch up with all of you first, and it has me feeling a little melancholy. I learned a lot in the last hour of reading all of your blogs (not the least of which is how long I have been gone):(. I did not post a comment on everyone's blogs, because I am currently being a slacker mom in front of my laptop, and it is Saturday, so the kids are raring to go.

I just want to share how much I am moved by all the big and little things you are all willing to share about your lives and your hearts. In this busy world, we don't always have or take the time to walk in each others' shoes, and learn others viewpoints and ponder the human condition. While I wish I could do that with you all face to face or at least on the phone, my life is fuller and better for being able to learn from and share with you all. Thank you.

On another important note, my Goddaughter turned 17 yesterday. It is so bittersweet. Although I did not give birth to her, my family and I practically raised her, so she is like my 1st baby. She came home from the hospital to my house and basically never left. 5lbs, 5ozs of beautiful china doll. I still cry every time she has to go home. What a sap! For goodness sake, I am crying right now. Anyway, Happy birthday, angel baby. Mommy loves you.

Coincidence?...I think not.:)

2008-11-04T22:06:00.003-05:00

I hate to blog and run, which is why I have been missing in action for almost a week. I owe my blogger friends some pics, and I plan to get to that asap.

Yesterday. the possibility of something profound (at least to me) crossed my mind. I was finally able to fact find a few minutes ago, and now I want to share/document my findings.

Last year we attempted IVF. I thought it interesting that we have begun the adoption process within weeks of that journey a year later. As I thought about the dates, I started to think maybe it is closer to the date of beginning IVF than I realized. I thought "what if it was the same day?" No way!

Well thanks to last year's calendar and this blog, I have documented proof that we officially started the IVF procedure and our adoption process a year to the day apart!!! Oct. 29th. What are the chances?!

Maybe I am just being weird, but it feels significant to me. It feels like it is a good thing.

Just thought I'd share.:)

My babies...

2008-10-30T23:53:00.005-04:00

aren't really babies anymore. Tonight Tauri and Jaden played in another piano recital. It was great. There were about 15 kids in all, and pride was just overflowing in the room. Parents were just beaming! I was proud of kids I didn't even know. They were all just so cute.

Our family had a nice little turn out. Two grandmothers and even Tauri's dad travelled a distance to be there. It was short, sweet and lots of fun. Jaden played a wonderful duet with his daddy, and Tauri continues to surpass our expectations (she's only been playing for 10 months, and you would never guess). As you can see I am not biased.:)

Seriously, I am very proud of my babies. They are 2 of the best things to ever happen to me!

It's official!

2008-10-29T21:15:00.003-04:00

I sent off my adoption application and fee this morning, first thing.

I have had that application filled out for months.:)

Dropping that packet in the mail brought up all kinds of feelings. I feel different already. I actually started thinking about nursery ideas. That is new. Pray that I don't make my husband crazy while I try to stay sane. Here we go!!!

Look how God works!

2008-10-28T23:40:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I sent an email to the owner of the adoption agency we want to use to tell her I was sending in the application and to check on payment options. She and I have kept in touch through emails and phone calls. She knew I was waiting on money.

Today I get an email from her, saying that she had been holding a spot for me because she knew I was planning to get started pretty soon, and that she was putting all new applicants on a waiting list.

Wow! Her agency is fairly new and evidently she has had a flood of families wanting to adopt since we first connected, so good for adoption, and good for her!

My point is, I can't imagine how hurt I would have been if, now that I can finally get started and after all I went through to find her agency, I had to be put on a waiting list. It would have been a huge blow. One that I certainly would have recovered from, but still.

For me, this is just more confirmation. She is a sweet lady, that I feel connected to, who didn't have to hold a spot for me. God is AWESOME, and He is making a way out of no way. I am not worrying about the homestudy fee because I know it is coming one way or another.

I can't wait to see what God will do next!!!!

I have been TAGGED!!

2008-10-27T20:38:00.004-04:00

Ok, now I am a real blogger. I was tagged by Melissa. I have to apologize to her because I knew I got tagged, but I wasn't sure what to do next, so between being blog-challenged and busy, it has been a while since she tagged me.

I hope I do it right. Here goes...

(Melissa has a really cool "tagged" badge that should go right here and has tagged directions on it, but I told you I am blog-challenged):(

1. In high school my nickname was Pinkee. I wore pink EVERY day. By the end of senior year I was over it, but still did it because I got a lot of flack when I didn't.

2. I was Miss Black Florida 1987-1988. If I told you how low-budget the pageant was you would not be impressed.

3. I am a total gadget geek. I always want the newest gadget, and can be borderline obsessive about it until and after I get it.

4. I once travelled to Morrocco to sing for the Crown Prince. I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter (14 years ago). It was beautiful there (where we stayed) and I rode a camel for the 1st and so far only time. Maybe I will post pics of that. It was pretty funny.

5. I am not ticklish. I was as a child, but somewhere around puberty it went away. Now tickling me just annoys me.

6. When I was growing up I loved to watch old musicals, well musicals period, on television. I was so sure I could do what they did, that it hurt. I would actually cry because I wanted to be in those musicals so badly. That lasted into my teens.

7. I am terribly, terribly shy and self-conscious. I spend much of my life pushng past that, and over-analyzing myself, my words, actions, and even my thoughts. People tend to find that hard to believe because I am an entertainer, but it's true.

Tagging back is a bit of a challenge. All the bloggers I know probably get tagged all the time. If that is the case, I apologize in advance.

I tag, Brian, Denise, Courtney

(not as payback:)), and any willing participant.

And the blessings continue to flow

2008-10-26T00:32:00.002-04:00

So blessed, yet so tired.:) I couldn't go to sleep without posting.

It is such a blessing to have such sincere cheerleaders, and support from those who are or have been there. Such a blessing to know people care and share my ups and downs. Such a blessing to be proven right in my belief that the world is full of good people that actually reach out to others. Such a blessing that friends and those you don't even know will contribute to my dream with no expectation other than me doing my part to make that dream come true. Such a blessing that God is SO awesome, and that each of those blessings are of Him.

I continue to be moved by this experience, and it becomes bigger and better all the time.

Wow!

2008-10-25T02:10:00.002-04:00

So, Last night I sat up in bed just before dozing off to write a post. I poured my heart out in detail regarding something that was on my heart. Then I tried to publish the post and my blankity blank internet provider lost connection and it was sent into cyberspace never to be heard from again. The same thing happened with my previous post, but it was short so I re-wrote that one.

Unfortunately, this post was pretty long and of the moment, so this time I will write the slightly abbreviated version.

My "Wow" title is in reference to how God works.

On Thursday night my hubby and I were discussing where we both stood on our plans for adoption. In short, he often struggles with stepping out on faith, especially when it comes to money matters. Since money is our main, if not only, road block to adoption, all of his misgivings stemmed from there. He said he would be fully on board once we have the money, until then he has one foot on and one off.

My argument is that if we are of one accord, and fully committed in our hearts and minds, God will provide. We can't be halfway believers and dreamers. We can't offer up halfway prayers, etc...(cuz you know I had much to say:)). Ultimately he saw my point, and assured me that he wants this to happen as much as I do.

On Friday, we received a donation of $2oo from our dear friends who would have liked to remain anonymous. This was completely out of the blue and literally brought me to tears. I won't embarrass them by gushing the way I tend to do when speaking of them, but I hope they know what a true blessing they have been in our lives ever since we met them almost a year and a half ago. To God be the glory and they would have it no other way. Still I thank you.

I am pretty certain that no one reading this sees the donation as a small thing, but there is a reason that I even mentioned the amount donated.

Due to financial circumstances, every penny we make has been going to catching up on bills and such, so even the application fee has been beyond our means. I have been praying to be able to make an official start to this adoption. The app fee is $250. Last week I checked my adoption fund account and discovered there was $54 in it from donations we received back in June/July when I started this blog( I hadn't realized). I knew we still had a way to go. My sweet friends don't know this, but their donation will allow us to make our first OFFICIAL step on our adoption journey!!!Praise God!

It is actually fitting, because they are the ones who re-awakened the desire to adopt in my heart and make me see it as a real, doable option for my family.

God is good all the time. I have read and heard time and time again about how many families had no idea how they would pay for their adoptions, but took that leap of faith. We took ours and now here we go!!

What is going on?

2008-10-17T17:47:00.004-04:00

I actually posted the other night, but the internet was not my friend, so it is somewhere out in cyberspace.

It basically was about how remiss I have been in not mentioning that 3 important people in my life, my family are currently being treated for cancer. My aunt, my uncle, and my sister-in-law's stepfather are all doing well, as they go through their various treatments, but they and our entire family could certainly use your prayers.

It is disturbing, to say the least, that 3 of my family members have been diagnosed with this disease all in the same year. It makes me wonder what is going on? My family is very close, and that is such a blessing. Prayer and love are so powerful, there is a certain peace among us that everything will be okay.

Feeling better

2008-10-14T22:42:00.002-04:00

So, no miracle pregnancy. It is cool though. It is better than wondering "could it be?"

Today was a hectic, but a good day. I am exhausted, and I still have a lot on my mind, but the fog seems to be clearing. My attitude is brightening.

Now maybe I can re-focus on finding a way to get this adoption going at full speed.

Good for me.:)

Rainy days and Mondays

2008-10-13T21:48:00.003-04:00

I am not going to let the blues win. This too shall pass. The worst thing is today I can't quite put my finger on why I am so weepy.

Yesterday, I could have all too easily made a list. Today is a little different.

Now that I come to think of it, something did trigger this wallowing.

My body is playing tricks on me!!!

I have fertility issues, so medically I can't get pregnant without medical intervention, BUT I serve an AWESOME God, so anything is possible. In my head I know I can't be pregnant, but in my heart...

I still long for a baby with eyes like my handsome husband. I long to give him the gift of seeing himself in a little person the way I do when I look at Tauri and Jaden.

I n the midst of all that, I am longing for my baby out there waiting for us to find each other.

Today, I am sad that I don't have a way to fill any of the baby emptiness that I am keenly reminded of because my dagnab period is late!!!!! I miss the baby I don't even have yet!!!! I want them BOTH!!

I don't think the pain of infertility ever completely goes away, but I think I have been quite the trooper throughout this journey, and it just pisses me off when I give in to the blues.

I know with all my heart that God works everything out for good, and His will is PERFECT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

I am thankful for my sweet husband, my beautiful kids, my wonderful home, my new church home that I absolutely love, my family near and far, my friends old and new (the family I chose), thankful for the gifts, talents, and abundant blessings the Lord has bestowed and continues to bestow on me, right down to the fact that He woke me up this morning and gave me the ability, and faculties to write this pitiful, whiny post. I am blessed!! Thank You, Father!!!

There! I feel better already.

Blogging is good for me. You all who read and post on my page are good for me. Thanks for caring. It really counts.

Love,

Starting to slack

2008-10-10T16:30:00.002-04:00

I am just exercising my blogging muscles here.

Lately things don't seem to be going so well on the whole, but at the same time I am so blessed. I just haven't felt right posting about the things that are so heavy on my mind, and ultimately sounding like a complainer. Soooo, I am keeping up with everyone's happenings while laying low.

Anyhoo, I didn't want to get out of the blogging habit as I wait for my cloud of blues to clear.

That's all. So please excuse the superfluous post.:) Later dayz!

I was going to post, but...

2008-10-06T20:39:00.004-04:00

when I went to catch up on the blogs I follow, I came across my absolute favorite post of the day! If you haven't already, PLEASE check out my fabulous friend, Wife to the Rockstar's post When Dorks Unite. I am at work cracking up.

Enjoy!

Happy Anniversary!

2008-09-30T11:47:00.004-04:00

I am married to my best friend, the love of my life, my soulmate, the best man I know, and quite the hottie to boot! Sometimes I still can't believe it. Today is our 3rd anniversary. I am always so glad I didn't settle. I waited a long time for him, and kissed more frogs than I'd care to admit along the way, but ohhhhh, it is worth it.

On top of all that, he is an amazing father. Not the kind who is just there in the house, but hands on involved, nurturing, affectionate, and loving. Since I came into our relationship with 2 children (2 and 9 at the time), he was thrown into the deep end of the "Daddy pool" and he swam like a champ.

I actually could go on and on about my fabulous, talented, intelligent, hilarious, hot, top-of-the-line husband, but I really just want to wish him Happy Anniversary, and tell him and the world (whatever part is reading this) that loving him and being married to him gets sweeter all the time. It is the closet thing I've got to shouting it from the mountaintops. I love you, baby.

Perspective

2008-09-24T21:56:00.002-04:00

I was going to blog about my day, and try very hard not to complain, but before I did, I went to Darren and Misty's page, and what I read there suddenly put my day into perspective.

Misty is healed, just not here on earth. I hope you will continue to pray for Darren and little Olivia, especially in the coming days.

There is so much and nothing to say. I am touched to the core by the lives and love of the LeBlanc family.

My new banner link

2008-09-23T15:22:00.002-04:00

I just added a banner link to my page. I was led to this blog by my friend, Wife the the Rockstar. Misty has stage IV brain Cancer. Please pray for this family if you aren't already. I am consistently moved by the unconditional love and unquestioning faith shown on this blog.

I chose this banner because Misty's pretty face is on it, and seeing her makes me feel as though my prayers are stronger, that I am praying for her, not just her name. Silly, huh. I can be that way sometimes.

Anyway, for some reason, this was on my heart today, more than usual. One thing that Darren (Misty's husband) wrote in a recent post that has stayed with me, is that Misty doesn't want or need us to feel sorry for her, she needs our prayers. He said she is happy and at peace. WOW!

Their lights are shining. May I shine even half as brightly.

Oh yeah

2008-09-22T20:25:00.004-04:00

I forgot to mention, I let my fabulous friend check out our birthmother letter and adoption profile, and she told me not to change a thing. LOVE HER!!! I couldn't ask for more than her sweet reaction. Made me a little teary.

It makes me feel closer to bringing my baby home.

Today won't go down in history as my favorite day, so I am being quiet. I am thinking of scripture from yesterday's teaching, which my husband and I both latched onto right away.

Philippians 2:14 Do all things without complaining and disputing

No matter what, I am blessed. Blessed to overflowing. I actually made a deal with my 6 year old, that the next time he considers complaining or crying about what he doesn't have or didn't get to do, etc...he has to tell me at least some of what he does have. I plan to practice what I am preaching.:)

Now that I am back, I want to stay in the habit of posting, so I apologize if it seems as though I am saying a lot of nothing from time to time.

Stay blessed!

Wonderful time!

2008-09-20T22:08:00.000-04:00

All days are a blessing. Some days are just better than others. I believe friends are the family you choose. I tend to choose some WONDERFUL family. It is amazing the connections you find between people as you get to know them. It just makes more and more sense that you are so drawn to them, and why it it is so worth the effort to nurture that connection in the midst of your busy life.

It is so rare that we have time to just hang out with friends. Between their schedules and ours, it becomes less and less of a priority. Today we made it a priority, and I am so glad. We had a ball! Before I knew it, close to 6 hours had passed. I never felt uncomfortable, in fact, even though we were all yawning, and sleepy kids were dropping like flies, it was still hard to leave. My kinda hang, my kinda people, my kinda family.

I can't wait until we can do it again!:) For us, living farther away from blood relatives than I ever have, it was really nice to feel at home.

I hope that if there are people in your life you feel connected to, that you make it a priority to spend some time with them. It is worth the effort and effortless at the same time.

Catching up a little

2008-09-19T09:20:00.000-04:00

I suppose yesterday's post doesn't really count as catching up.

While I was away, I did a lot of reading. Adoption forums consumed me for a time. At first I was fascinated. I felt like I could get some real prospective on those forums. There were all members of the adoption triad posting. I really wanted to know how an adopted adult, and a birthmother might feel, and of course it was great to learn about the experiences of other adoptive parents.

Ultimately, I had to step away. Some of what I learned, I am sure most of you already know. Adoption is BIG business!! With all of what that implies. There are many, many heartbreaking stories. Too many for my heart to handle sometimes. There was much more anger and disagreeing in areas I would have never expected. It got very hard to read. Birthmothers, adopted children (now adults), and adoptive parents had stories, and opinions, that occasionally made me rethink my decision to adopt. Mainly, because I didn't want to risk being a part of someone's pain.

Then I woke up!!!! Life is a risk. I had to remind myself that the internet can be a wonderful resource, but it can also be dangerous. For those like me who believe knowledge is power, it is easy to go a little overboard on the web.

I pray for those in the adoption world who were or feel wronged and betrayed. For those who lie to get what they want, those who scam or have been scammed, for those who see adopting as anything other than a beautiful gift, for those who want to parent but can't, for all the good, bad, and otherwise in the adoption world. When all is said and done, it really is about God's grace and these precious little lives that we are led to provide for. Be it providing as a birthmom, an adoptive parent, an adoption professional, a volunteer, or whatever, these children are heaven sent.

People have a tendency to comment on how blessed a child that we adopt will be, and while we want nothing more to bless our baby's life, that child will bless US and our lives!!! I know I am preaching to the choir, but just thinking about it fills me up!!

This journey is not easy, but I can't wait to get to the destination.

Just thoughts

2008-09-18T09:02:00.000-04:00

I remember when I first made the decision to adopt. I felt so crazed and out of control. Even though I am only still "in line" for the actual "rollercoaster", I feel so much more peaceful about the process. I imagine my baby just about everyday. Instead of those thoughts creating anxiety, they calm me.

I have a cajillion things going on in my life. Lots of changes, some extremely tough, but I am truly BLESSED. God is good.

I pray that we all have that peace during the good, bad and otherwise times.

Have a beautiful day!

Sad, but okay

2008-09-17T17:02:00.001-04:00

I was trying to decide what to catch up on today, but got sidetracked by an interesting phone call. It initially made me mad, but now I am a little sad, yet relieved.

Friendship, especially new ones, can be tricky. I am fairly new to the city where my family lives. I have lived in the city we moved from basically my whole life. I am pretty shy when it comes to meeting new people and making friends, so I don't feel very comfortable reaching out. I got lucky big time by moving next door to some pretty remarkable people, but aside from them and a couple of other neighbors, I kept pretty much to myself.

Of course I realized I needed to expand my social circle for a number of reasons. Not easy for a girl like me.

So time passed, and I made a few more friends. One in particular seemed to extend friendship more heartily and quickly than anyone else. I won't get into specifics, but believe all relationships need time to flourish. Still, how do you turn away what seems to be a genuine offer?

Without getting into the gory details, Over the past months I have had a few misgivings about this person (she continually talks behind the back of another friend of ours, among other things-very high school), but thought I might be holding some of my past experiences against her. Didn't trust my gut. Always a bad idea.

In any event, I just found out that my misgivings were for good reason. It makes me sad, but it is for the best. I am a very straightforward person, and what you see is what you get. While I don't expect others to be like me, I have issue with those who misrepresent themselves, especially in order to establish relationships.

My husband likes to tell everyone about how I didn't wear any make-up on our first date. Well the truth of the matter is, if I am not on stage, I rarely wear make-up. While I suppose I could have put forth a little more effort for the man, I was being me. He can never say he didn't know the job when he took it, about ANYTHING. I think that has saved me (and hopefully others in my life) lots of time and heartache.

So I am sad that this friendship (real pr pseudo) is over, mainly because I am an emotional girl. At the same time, I am glad to know early on that there is no need to waste precious positive energy on something that most likely will continue (already has before today) to cause me and my family discomfort and/or pain.

I made a decision long ago to only surround myself and my family with positive people. It is a process. One well worth undertaking. I stopped inviting drama into my life. I don't want mine, so I definitely don't want anybody else's!!! Soooooo, another day, another lesson learned.

Before I sign off, I want to say how good it felt to be welcomed back. Thank you. I have missed the blog world.

What a slacker!!!

2008-09-16T11:55:00.001-04:00

I am back! I have been sufficiently shamed by my wonderful new doctor (not on purpose) into updating my blog.

It has been almost 3 months. As the days turned into weeks, into months, it just seemed more and more overwhelming to start again. So much has happened, I just didn't/don't know where to start.

Anyhoo, I guess I will just dive in anywhere and see where it takes me.

I have still been completely immersed in adoption research. I was getting a bit discouraged. Talk about information overload. My husband actually forbade me from going to one forum anymore. HA! Between adoption costs, choosing an adoption professional, and discovering that adoption isn't always seen as the fabulous thing that I see it to be, nor does it always bring out the best in those in the adoption triad (some forums can get nuts), my adoption dreams started to seem a bit out of reach.

So I prayed, I researched, I prayed, I researched...(you get the picture).

Well, we all know what prayer can do. I FOUND MY AGENCY!!! I am so excited. It is what I prayed for:

Affordable

In state

Payments are spread out

Only an app fee to get started

I am prayerful, yet confident that this is the right agency.

So with all of that, you would think I am halfway there! Right? Wrong!!!

This summer proved to be one of the worst ones yet, financially. I won't bore you with the sad details...for now:) So we are in financial limbo, but hope to get the ball rolling within the next couple of weeks!!! I can't wait!!

At the agency owner's suggestion, I started and completed my adoption profile. It was tough, and fun at the same time. Of course it needs to be reviewed, but I am happy with it.

So my new doctor is Dr. Punger who, by the way, has a fabulous blog that I recently started following, permissiontomother.blogspot.com, suggested I do multiple blog entries instead of one long "try to catch up" entry, so I will end here in a sec. I sought her out as a resource for a very specific reason.

Let me preface that reason by saying I am chicken. As a blogger, I hesitate to get too real, or touch on things that might be deemed controversial or unpopular, for fear that I will come under fire. I am not a "sit back and take it" kind of chick. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I take stuff personally. Still, I consider myself a bit of a rebel, so here goes. My first real risk on my blog...I am planning to breastfeed the baby we adopt!! OK, so maybe that is not a big deal (not negatively anyway) to those of you who are reading this. I truly hope not, but my vast amount of research shows that there are some strong opinions on the subject.

I didn't know it was possible, and and thrilled at the prospect of nursing my third child, as I did the first 2.

So I will leave you with that, and pray that you are happy for me. I have no intention of staying away so long again. I still have a lot to catch you up on!!

Kind words

2008-06-20T00:22:00.000-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me how a few kind words of encouragement can make such a difference. I think that is what keeps me blogging, as opposed to only journaling. The feedback, and sometimes just the possibility of feedback. I have always been an internet lurker (message forums, blogs) and I have gotten wonderful information, but I rarely if ever have joined in. As strange as it may seem, my innate shyness carries over even into what is basically anonymity.

Last night, I was having a sort of mini crisis, and I posted a little about it, and not only did I feel better, but this morning I had some kind words to start my day. Sweet!

Right now I am smack dab in the middle of a sea of adoption information, threatening to be overwhelmed yet again, but those kind words are sustaining me through that wave.:)

Thank you to the people who offered them. It counts more than you know.

Up in the middle of the night

2008-06-19T02:51:00.000-04:00

I'm trying so hard not to get discouraged about adopting. As I sit here with an aching heart, all I can think about is money, money, MONEY!!! How can this be so much about money? I know I have to have faith, and I really do, but sometimes it is so hard. I mean, I am willing to do what it takes, but I can't tell you how many nights I have tossed and turned with these thoughts. I can only imagine how many more there will be.

Maybe I can try to look at this as preparing for sleepless "newborn nights":), much in the same way pregnancy sleeplessness is said to do the same thing. Emotionally, I do feel pregnant again. I just pray that it doesn't last any longer than my last pregnancies. Hopefully ALOT less.

Now that I got that off my chest, I will attempt sleep...again.

Bitttersweet day

2008-06-09T21:08:00.000-04:00

As you can probably tell, baby boy J keeps me on my toes. There is always something! T seems to be along for the rollercoaster ride her brother provides.
Anyhoo, Saturday was a very emotional day for many reasons. One big reason was J "chipped" his tooth, (actually he knocked off a crown he got when he was 2 years old, but that is another story) Since we were at a pool party, I wasn't sure how much he was down playing any possible pain so that we wouldn't have to leave. As soon as it happened, I called my hubby, who put in a call to our pediatric dentist (who we LOVE!) The tooth was jagged and discolored, but J seemed okay. I was emotional because I was afraid that he would need emergency dental care and I was supposed to be leaving for work soon. Not happening! I was thinking of the drama involved in finding a subsitute singer to sing at someone's wedding vs. not being with my son during some kind of oral surgery!!!
Thankfully, we were able to wait until today, for what turned out to be an extraction of a baby tooth. J did great! I, however, was a mess. My sweet husband, who is always strong when I am not, made me laugh through my tears, and assured me that I was breathing when I felt I couldn't. The 10 minute procedure felt like an hour and my big boy never shed a tear or even realized when it was over. Whew!!!
Afterwards, J did feel some discomfort pretty quickly on the way home (Tylenol to the rescue!), but he bounced back in an hour and we failed miserably at getting him to take it easy for the remainder of the day. He even ate most of a hamburger this afternoon (J doesn't eat much-another post)
Unfortunately, I had to work tonight, and one would never know things weren't business as usual with J, so off I went to "pay some bills". I did talk to him and he is doing just fine.
For the record, my kids are very big for their agse. I, along with most people are amazed by this fact. Even the dentist commented on how amazed he was at his size vs. his age. He said J has the mouth/teeth of an 8 year old. I say all this to say, my baby is still my baby! I mean the 8lb. 1 oz. little bundle place in my arms just over 6 years ago! This morning all I could picture was J, in that dentist's chair. It was all I could do not to scoop him up and bolt out of there, and try to figure out another way to "fix it".

My husband, bless his sweet soul, acts tough, but when he heard one of the other kids in the office make a noise (which turned out to be a playful squeal) he was up and almost running, thinking it was J yelling.:)

I am so proud of J. Watching him conquer his fears and issues is scary for me. I have been through some of it before with T, but believe it or not, she didn't have as much "stuff". Or maybe she was so quiet about it, we just handled it without as much production.:) Either way, I doubt it will ever get easier to get out of the way when it is called for. I sometimes feel like each triumph for them means another little step away from me. Time is flying by!

Motherhood can be so bittersweet sometimes.

Feeling anxious

2008-06-06T22:12:00.000-04:00

Nothing is happening on the adoption front and I am feeling anxious. Patience is not my strong point, but something I am working on. This anxiety can make having this downtime a little tough.

J has either overheard or figured out our plans to adopt. He has been asking for this for quite awhile. We were holding off on telling him because he is 6 years old and, as most kids are, relentless about things that he wants NOW!!! It especially drives his dad nuts. So far so good though. We have had some wonderful conversations about adoption and his thought processes concerning it. He is very communicative and inquisitive.

Before he knew, I felt like nobody else wants to talk about it as much as I do, so I was keeping a lot to myself. Although we have more age appropriate talks, it is very nice to have my little man to talk to about this.:) Is that silly? I am grateful to be able to talk to him in advance about it on his terms. I follow his lead, and it has been going really well. It does however make me even more ready than ever to bring my baby home.

I think that not blogging as much has allowed thoughts to build up too. Everyday I look forward to blogging, but the days have been so jam-packed, I rarely get to get to the computer. I guess I'll have to carve out some time to do this, and see if it helps ease my anxiousness the way it did when I first started this blog. (as if I have been doing this forever lol!) I actually feel better already. Now I can get back to my incessant adoption research. (exhale):)

So excited!

2008-06-03T16:42:00.001-04:00

Summer vacation has officially begun. I am so excited to be able to spend more time with my family. I am sure to be exhausted, but also sure to be happy. I also won't have to get up at the crack of dawn for at least 2 whole months.
Today is actually my day off!!I am at home with my babies, and it feels so good. I am tired but happy. I can tell a night off was in order, because my baby boy is practically attached at the hip. I can always tell when he is really missing me. It makes me so sad to know that he hasn't been getting his "mommy fix" in sufficient amounts. It is interesting how that need for me manifests itself. He becomes very demanding, but in a "poor little me" kind of way, that makes me feel so guilty when I sometimes get annoyed. Ultimately, he is so sweet and cute, I just wanna eat him UP!!! My baby girl, on the other hand, only cares that I am in the house. She gets disappointed on my way out of the door on the nights I have to work. I kiss her good-bye, and we have the same banter each time.
T: "You have to work tonight, mommy?"(a little whiny)
me: "Yes, baby, I do."
T: "Where are you working?"(still a little whiny)
me: "Well today is ___day, so..."
T: "Oh you are at _______"
and my heart hurts a little as we say our goodnights, and I love yous...EVERY time.
So, tonight I am home, and while some people think my "career" is very exciting, I have been looking forward to the same ol', same ol' at my house tonight and tomorrow (my days off). All I can say is WHOO HOO!!!!!

Another great idea!

2008-06-03T01:39:00.000-04:00

So, someone I trust referred me to yet another way to raise funds for adoption. I didn't know this, but you can get paid to blog about things you are or may find you become interested in. If you are interested just click on the badge below.

I am just getting started, but she says she made money doing this. I think this an awesome idea!

is this normal?

2008-05-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

For the last 2 nights, I have been having vivid dreams about receiving calls about being matched from agencies and birthmoms. I am not sleeping very well. Maybe it is just my obsessive, impatient nature. I can only imagine what I will be like once I am home study ready! I am trying very hard not to drive my husband bananas with all of my constant research.

We had a beautiful afternoon as a family. After dinner we went for a long walk on the beach, and I found the most beautiful seashell I have ever seen. It was as if it had been polished to shine. All I kept thinking was that I would save it for my baby for when he or she finally comes home. I guess that is silly, but for some reason it felt like that is what it is meant for.

Yeah, I am a big old sap!:)

J agreed it is indeed beautiful, and our favorite seashell ever. So there you go!

I am going to sleep now, and hopefully it will be restful and sweet.

Missing my kids

2008-05-26T12:22:00.001-04:00

The toughest part about my job is sometimes being away from my kids on the weekends. I have an awesome mother, who is the kind of mom I strive to be (more on that in another post:)). Many weekends I take the kids to her house when Dale and I work. We moved about an hour and a half away from her last year, but I still commute a lot.

This past weekend is the kind that I dislike pertaining to seeing my babies. I took them down there after school on Friday, and I have worked everyday since, but closer to our house. I don't like to make the kids make that commute more than once a week if possible (it is especially hard on J), so I let them stay at Grandma's. They don't mind. They miss her, and she misses them, plus they see all of their uncles, Godbrother, etc...but I can barely STAND it. I am usually okay the first day since I am out late the night before and I sleep a little later than J usually lets me, but after that I am a teary mess! Of course, we talk on the phone. I try really hard not to let on how sad I am when I tell them how much I miss them.

I say all of this to say that I have a goal of being home much more. As it is, I have always considered myself a working stay at home mom. Before we moved here, the kids were almost asleep by the time I had to leave for work. The commute adds almost 3 hours a day to my commute (giving me an almost 7 hr work day), and robs me of precious time with my family, but I have a plan! I am looking forward to being home just about every day with my kids.

I think this weekend has been especially hard, because it's the first time in a long time that I been away form them this long. Good news is that I am about to be on my way to see them before work tonight and they are coming home with me later. Summer is coming and that changes everything. I just want them home.

Thoughts

2008-05-25T13:49:00.000-04:00

I am really enjoying blogging, even though I can't imagine anyone caring about what I have to say. It really is a great way to work through feelings. I am a journaler by nature, and this is that but with the possibility of feedback. I love it.

I am in tears right now watching an HGTV episode of Deserving Design. The couple adopted 3 siblings. The family is so sweet, and they had the kids rooms made-over. So awesome. It is such a great example of how adoption changes lives for the better, and something else for me to bawl over.:)

Anyhoo, anyone who bothers to read my blog, I truly appreciate it and if you give me feedback, that is even better. If it seems like I am rambling, I am.:) I am consumed with getting the adoption process started, but I can barely, if at all, put those feelings into words. So I always feel like I am off topic.

I wonder how many ways and times I can express my heart's desire to adopt, without doing anything about it, before I sound ridiculous. I mean, I am in major research, fundraising, filling out application mode, but seriously folks not much is happening. I am not discouraged, but I feel like time is a-wastin'!!

I think I was prepared for an immediate rollercoaster ride (I know that's coming too), but right now I feel like I am in the line to get on the rollercoaster (in the really hot sun). Patience is not my strong suit, but I am working on that.

Everything and everyone around me is life as usual, so I think that makes this a little tougher. I want to shout about it, but somehow that doesn't seem appropriate. I am trying to wait until we get closer to bringing our baby home. I am sure I won't be able to help myself at that point.

Am I rambling? Yes. Knowing is half the battle, so I am out of here.;)

Lunch with my kids.

2008-05-23T14:18:00.000-04:00

So I pick my kids from school today, and we go to lunch. Before we ate, we blessed the food. Once we finished, an older gentleman tapped my shoulder and with a smile, jokingly asked "were you actually praying in public?", to which I replied, " can you believe it?". He said "Do you know that you might get arrested for that?" So we talked a little bit about what a shame it is that public prayer is somehow offensive to some people.

I told him we do what we need to do, and we pray. He said, "AMEN, I'll see you up there!".

He was adorable, and he put a smile on my face.

Man, oh man, what a crazy world.

On another note, I am watching the effect our adoption journey is taking on my husband. It is subtle and sweet. I feel for him, knowing how I have been feeling lately. As a teacher, he sees and hears about situations with kids more than I do. As tough as it is, he is sometimes visibly upset, and I think that it makes him more proactive. It has made him want to be an even better father. It is all good.

In my quiet time

2008-05-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

I rarely get down time, I have to carve out time for pretty much everything these days. Today has been interesting. My husband's car went berserk yesterday, so we put it in the shop. I chose to let him take the car instead of dropping him off at work, and somehow I managed to leave my cell phone (which is the number that rings all day, and has all of my contacts in it) in the car! I am paying attention Lord, I am taking a little time for me. So for the past couple of hours, it has been just me and my thoughts.

I had a beautiful midday lunch with some amazing women yesterday. They are all extremely talented vocalists and brilliant, successful business women. They are all powerfully faith-filled women. We prayed more than once, we laughed, and cried, shared ideas, scriptures, stories, and plans. I am always honored and in awe of them. I was the youngest one there, and I am often overwhelmed by their daily Christian walk. I want to be like that. I want to be like that! I want to be like that!!

I pray to be pleasing in God's sight. I pray to be the example that He would have me be. I can't put into words all that I feel, so most of all I pray.

I have been thinking about all of that today.

Of course, I have also been (pretty much always am) thinking about adoption. I have been feeling hopeful abut helpless about really starting the process. I know I will come up with the money to start, but really that is just based on faith. I know God will provide, as long as I am doing my part. It is a struggle sometimes to stay positive, but failure is not an option.

The luncheon yesterday was just what I needed when I needed it. Not only was it uplifting spiritually and emotionally, but in terms of my future financial success. It was as if God was telling me again, in yet another way, that it everything taken care of. I am constantly renewed.

It is interesting to note that my husband found out that it will cost $900 to fix his car today. The man I married less than 3 years ago would have flipped out, or at the very least gotten discouraged and despondent. But I watch him grow all the time, and today my man was calm as we both agreed that the blessing is that we actually have the money to pay for it (that is not often the case). I suppose I could be upset that the money could have covered much of the cost of our home study, but I know that God's timing is perfect, and it will come from somewhere else. I don't know where, but it always does.

So in my quiet time today, I am feeling peaceful. I am trying to be still, even if it is only for a little while longer.

Awesome idea!

2008-05-20T21:45:00.000-04:00

I recently added this badge from Revolution Money Exchange. A good friend turned me on to it as a great way to raise funds for our adoption. I also really like the idea that I can contribute to her fundraising effort and my own at the same time. It's like Paypal, but without the fees. When I signed up, I received $25, and my friend, wife to the rockstar, earned $10 because I signed up under her. You can add a badge to your blog, spread the word, and do the same thing. There is nothing to lose, and it is easy. Click on the badge below or in my side bar to check it out!

Day by day

2008-05-20T20:25:00.000-04:00

It is interesting how different I feel since I started this journey. I have been crazy busy with work and life lately, but adopting is never far from my mind. the knowledge I have gained so far, seems to permeate my life. I find myself thinking about all of the children in need of a family. Such a given in most lives, that it is often taken for granted. I am certainly not perfect, but I have always known how blessed I am to have all that I do. I am rich in the ways that count. I have never gone without, I have been loved and well taken care of my whole life. I was given wonderful examples...I could go on and on.

My heart is having a difficult time with the plight of so many children. As I learn about these babies (unless they are adults, they are all babies to me) without families to hold them, and love them, my capacity to look outside of myself seems to grow. I am forever changed. I keep wondering "how can this be?" Intellectually I suppose I get it. Many different circumstances come into play, but "how can this be?"

Long before I had my children, I felt the desire to adopt. Then life kept on happening and my children came in the form of "unexpected" blessings:). Then I finally met and married the man God intended for me, and we discovered our infertility. When the subject of adoption came up I didn't discard or embrace it. I don't think I ever looked at it as a last resort, still I sometimes wonder what would have happened had we been blessed with a biological before now. Right now, I can say that even if I discovered I was pregnant at this moment, I am meant to adopt and nothing would change that desire. How is that for clarity?

I am taking it day by day. God is working on me all the time.

Weekend mornings

2008-05-18T10:58:00.000-04:00

I sing for a living, so I work nights mostly. I get home pretty late on the weekends (I am talking 2 or 3 am typically). Before I had my kids, sleeping in was a given. Even after I had my daughter, she is a night owl like me, so her getting up early was never an issue. Fast forward to today. I would like to introduce J. He is my extremely spirited, complicated, emotional, dramatic, creative, entertaining, sensitive, tender-hearted, rambunctious, athletic, affectionate, charismatic, amazing, sweet-as-pie baby boy (absolutely no bias here:)). He is 6 years old, can never seem to get enough attention, and wakes me up at the crack of dawn every Saturday and Sunday morning by climbing into bed with us, hugging me, and declaring his love for me. I do my best to let Daddy sleep a little longer. Now, I don't get out of bed right away if I can help it, but unless he goes back to sleep I am up. He doesn't just watch television, he interacts with it. There is a running commentary on everything he does. He likes for you to "watch this" constantly, (dance he has made up, art he creates, song he is composing, outfit he has chosen, etc...) I am smiling as I write this, He tells jokes, cries at the drop of dime, and generally keeps me on my toes.

I wonder all of the time, how I got so lucky. I am truly blessed. As I try to shake off the grogginess, and struggle to function on just a few hours of sleep, I still find myself laughing at his shenanigans, and shining from the inside out when he lays his little head on my chest and tells me I am the best mommy in the world, and that he loves me. There is nothing better.

Then there is T. My 13 year old, beautiful, quiet, shy, brilliant, quirky, closet-goofball, private, easy-going, unemotional, focused, non-girly, talented, creative, competitive, athletic, introverted, generous, daughter. She is like me in so many ways. People mistake us for each other (she is prettier). She never wakes up at the crack of dawn. She doesn't like for you to "watch this". She is very self-sufficient (rarely asks for help with school work, it has to thrust upon her), takes great pride in her intelligence and has always excelled in school. We worry that her book smarts interfere with many common sense skills. She is an avid reader, and goes nowhere without her novel of the day. She can trip on air and has a great, dry sense of humor. She rarely complains, even if it is warranted. She is not especially affectionate, but that seems to be changing lately. So far, her interest in boys is minimal at best (so grateful for that). She is a wonderful artist, and has recently discovered a passion for playing the piano and is so good even her teacher is shocked. She is my first-born, and she is more, better than I prayed for. God is so good. On the weekends, whenever she gets up, or we wake her up, I get a basic "good morning". If I want a hug, I have to ask for or give one. If I say "I love you" she says it back, and I often have to seek her out to spend time with her. Even then, sometimes I can tell she just wants to be alone.

I wonder all the time, how I got so lucky. I am truly blessed. Even while I miss the days when I was her world, and the unsolicited kisses and hugs she stopped giving long ago, my child is fabulous! I am so proud of her. Even when she tries to walk through the store with her head in a book, and I have to explain to my straight A student why that makes no sense, even when I have to insist that she go outside once in a while, knowing full well she will probably fall down for no reason, I know she is hands down one of the greatest gifts I have and will ever receive. I am honored to be her mommy and she will always be my baby.

My children could not be more different if I planned it. They are the best of both worlds. They teach me so much. The experience of motherhood is one I am so glad I didn't miss. This is yet another reason I wait in barely containable anticipation for my next baby. To learn and know another personality, and watch as we all learn from another beautiful soul, and experience new love so great it can only a blessing to us all.

So this morning when J climbed into bed with me, demanding to know when I was going to get up, I smiled knowing what a gift God has given me to have these angels in my life. Another blessed day has begun.

Time to tighten up!

2008-05-17T10:01:00.000-04:00

Now that I am on this adoption journey, and understand the financial aspect of it, I am having an interesting dilemma. How do I reconcile the me that wants to give in some way to the families that are "adoption-financially challenged", like myself, with the me that desperately wants to bring my child(ren) home as soon as possible and therefore needs to tighten up and get to saving?

One seems counterproductive, while the other seems selfish, but there it is. I have been thinking about this quite a bit more than usual. The more I learn, the more I want to do something, anything to help as many as I can.

In the meantime, I will keep praying, as that is a powerful something. In my confusion, it is good to at least be sure of that much.

Thank you!

2008-05-16T13:33:00.000-04:00

I guess if one were to actually give it some thought, it would be a no-brainer to know that the adoption community is full of strong faith, and open hearts, but the to experience it first hand is something that can't be put into words. I feel as though I am being held up by gentle hands full of strength. It is so comforting in the midst of what seems to be chaos. My heart is full. You ladies are amazing.

Figuring things out

2008-05-15T16:50:00.000-04:00

I think I figured out at least some of the reasons that I am so out of sorts these days. Adoption is unlike anything I have ever experienced.

I recently attempted IVF (didn't work), and that was very emotional. It still hurts...more than I like to admit. I wanted it to work so badly. Infertility in and of itself is deeply painful, obviously. I won't go into all of that here, anyone who deals with it knows.

Still, adoption is so different. I certainly don't want to sound dumb or offend anyone. I am simply saying what I am feeling. I have been so emotional since making the decision to adopt, and am realizing part of that is that it's so much bigger than me.

Learning about the process is overwhelming, and thinking about what it means, what it really means, to grow our family through adoption, really makes me hurt for all of the children that need a home. All of the circumstances that make that so. All of the pain, all of the love, all of the lives, all of the disappointments, all of the joy, and yes all of the money involved.

Then I realize that we are just one family, only helping one or two, only one or two children helping us. It makes me feel so small and helpless, and scared that I can't handle all of the tough stuff. Then I think about my child or children coming home, and I know that whatever I have to do, this will be, and in the end I will be even more blessed than I already am.

I am at the beginning of my journey, but I can see the ending already. My family will be complete, and God will still be smiling on us.

Feeling helpless and overwhelmed

2008-05-15T10:26:00.000-04:00

I spent most of yesterday feeling out of sorts. I want to do something, anything, to start the process. I am still waiting to find out if my hubby's employer offers any adoption assistance. That would make such a difference in getting started, and then maybe I could relax a little.

I wonder if I am nuts to start this process now. It is interesting to note that we seem to make huge changes in our lives every summer. My husband and I are both professional musicians, and summers are very tough financially, but that hasn't stopped us from moving each summer since we met 4 years ago. We thought that we broke the cycle when we closed on our 1st home at the end of March (yes, 2 mths. ago:)!), but no-o-o-o-o. Here we are with a brand new mortgage and loads left to do (buying furniture, painting white walls etc...) and now we decide to adopt. He is teaching now with an 11 month contract, but guess what month he doesn't get paid...July!!! Smack dab in the middle of summer when my big money gigs are nowhere in sight!

Of course, one might think we could wait, but that is not up to me. I feel like we are not meant to wait. I am praying and trying very hard to be still let God lead me in this. I know He will. So while I am chomping at the bit to get going and hold my baby in my arms, I know that His timing is perfect. In my heart I know it will all work out, and if the urgency I feel is not of Him, it will go away.

In the meantime, please bear with me.

It's official!

2008-05-13T21:46:00.000-04:00

So!... We have officially decided to pursue adoption. I am almost paralyzed with fear. Pushing through it, though. My biggest fear is allowing myself to want this so much and then it not happening. After my IVF journey, I did not fall apart, but I don't know how much my heart can take. I feel like I am TTC again. I am excited, and I am trying to patiently await my miracle. I can envision holding my baby in my arms, and I am overwhelmed with emotion. This is all so new. I can't believe I am a blogger, but I do think I need to document this journey in a special way, and reach out to the adoption community. I am truly flying blind, way out of my comfort zone.

I am sure that sounds so obvious. How many people, new to adoption, are in their comfort zone?!

I am very blessed to have started a fledgling friendship with a beautiful, large family(still growing:)) including 3 adopted children, that is helping us on this journey. They inspire me. I believe God brought them into our lives for a reason(s).

The absolute main issue is money. That is probably the biggest reason we haven't pursued adoption sooner. I now feel a sense of urgency, and I can't put off trying any longer. I am planning to use all of the resources available to me, and for once in my life rely on the kindness of strangers, as well as family and friends. We are taking a leap of faith, to expand our already amazing family. I know our other child(ren) is/are out there waiting, and I know God will bring us together when the time is right. In the meantime I plan on doing all I can to be ready.

My sweet, spirited 6 year old has longed for a younger sibling for years. I want that for him so much. He has been praying for a baby brother and/or sister, and asking me if we could adopt. My heart is so full whenever I hear his prayers of we discuss this, it brings tears to my eyes.

My husband is just amazing. I came to this marriage almost 3 years ago with 2 beautiful children (my daughter is 13) and he loves them as only a father could and should. We discovered fertility issues a year ago, after ttc since the wedding. We pursued many options to no avail. While we have not given up on the dream of having a biological child (he doesn't have any) we want to grow our family now and parent a child together from the start, along with all of the other glorious experiences that come along with a larger family.

With all of that said, I am ready to put my heart on the line do this. I will not operate from a place of fear. I will put my faith in God and get ready for our miracle!!!! Prayers are appreciated!